Living with an illness that changes everything: Freisingerin talks about her father's dementia

Created: 10/30/2022, 7:00 p.m

By: Magdalena Hoecherl

The photos of her father remind Barbara Lange of a time with many carefree moments.

© private

Walter B. from Freising fell ill with dementia a few years ago.

His daughter Barbara Lange shows in an award-winning photo that the disease also has a friendly face.

Freising

– There is a wooden model ship on a sideboard in the B. family's living room.

It contains 35 years of detailed manual work.

For Barbara Lange, it is not only an impressive decoration, but above all a valuable memory.

A reminder of the life her father led before he became demented.

Multiple strokes as a trigger for dementia

Walter B. was an active man.

He was a highly specialized engineer who developed computer chips where thousandths of a millimeter mattered.

In Freising he ran dance courses and was involved in the Sebaldhaus.

"He was a doer," says his wife Christel.

But in his mid-70s, Walter B. suffered several strokes.

Apparently he is recovering well, he is mobile and the fine motor skills so important for the passionate hobbyist are returning.

But he's finding it increasingly difficult to remember things.

Where did I park the bike?

Which path leads to a walk in the forest?

Which doctor did I want to go to?

His wife gradually understands: “Outwardly, my husband was the same.

But the strokes broke a lot in his head.”

A picture that should bring joy to the viewer: Barbara Lange's father Walter liked to pretend to throw the paper airplane while on family vacation in Tenerife.

The 81-year-old fell ill with dementia a few years ago.

This and other unusual holiday photos have now been awarded in a competition.

© private

Although she and her daughter suspect what is going on, it takes several months to diagnose.

A difficult time for Christel B. Her husband was changing, she had to look after him more and more and at the same time take on more and more day-to-day work.

"The family doctor dismissed it, saying that at that age you can forget something," says Christel B. Even today, she is shocked by the insensitive treatment.

Another doctor is more understanding, a test brings the certainty.

Walter B. manages 22 out of 30 points.

From the age of 20 one speaks of mild dementia.

To have this certainty is bad.

"But it was important for me to know what was going on," says Christel B. "I'm a guy who can deal with reality better than with this wishy-washy.

When I knew that my husband was ill, I was able to learn to accept that.” Accept that in a way he takes off into another world.

"Walter isn't one of those people who wants to know what's going on with them.

He's more of a suppressor," says Christel B. She accepts that, too.

One situation was formative: "One time I said to him out of anger: 'Your forgetfulness doesn't always make it easy for me either!

He replied: 'You don't mean to say that I have dementia.'

Since then I have never used that word in his presence again.” And Barbara Lange also says: “Why should I keep telling him and causing him pain?

He can't change anything.

And if he asks me again the next day because he forgot, I have to hurt him again.

It makes no sense – for anyone.”

A new everyday life begins in the B. family's house.

Everyone has to find their way around in new roles, so to speak.

“My father was and still is active, he needs something to do.

It's like a child who's bored,” says Barbara Lange.

It is she who finishes building the model ship with her father.

"We shouldn't have started later.

Now he wouldn't be able to do that anymore," says the 55-year-old today.

also read

A mother's call for help: the authorities take the woman (31) away from her child – against medical advice

"A Night of Funk & Soul": Jubilee concert of the Freising Music School tore all listeners off their chairs

The father, who has dementia, is driven by being needed

Her mother Christel gets creative when it comes to finding something for her husband to do.

For a while, Walter B. made Moravian Christmas stars for Caritas.

“His motivation is to do something for others.

He is driven by being needed.” In order to find out what the father might enjoy, his son brings in a puzzle.

"Dad would never have done a puzzle, but when we asked him if he could check if a piece was missing, he immediately sat down," says Barbara Lange.

Anecdotes like these make her and her mother smile.

But Barbara Lange also says: “Sometimes you can laugh about it.

But it's really sad to see what skills are lost and what's left of a person."

Walter B. hasn't changed in appearance, he speaks as usual and is very mobile.

It's difficult for his wife, especially at the beginning.

"People don't realize that anything is changing.

That's why they don't see what you can do as a family member and that you're reaching your limits as a result."

AWO day care helps the Freising family and those affected immensely

This happens more and more over time, and so Christel B. brings herself to put her husband on the waiting list for AWO day care.

But when a place becomes available after six months, she decides against it.

She can't bring herself to do it, has the feeling that she is "putting off" her husband.

But a short time later she has to admit that things can't go on like this.

She is constantly energized and at the same time at the end of her strength.

The good thing: Walter B. has no problem with it, he looks at day care without objection and likes it.

Also because he has a job again and can help others: he reads there twice a week.

On walks, he helps those who are not as mobile as he is.

The 81-year-old now spends five days a week there, from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.

During this time, his wife has much-needed time to herself.

She can relax and recharge her batteries.

“You really look forward to each other again.” She is relieved that her husband likes it there so much.

"The dementia offers of the AWO, but also those of Caritas, are incredibly valuable for us."

In 2021, Christel B. will fulfill a wish: she has always loved to travel, but this was not possible for a long time due to the corona virus.

A change of scenery would do well.

The family flies to Tenerife, spends sunny days in a holiday home.

So that her mother also has time for herself, Barbara Lange goes for a lot of walks with her father and dog "Pari".

They also lead you past graffiti and street art.

(By the way: everything from the region is now also available in our regular Freising newsletter.)

Barbara Lange particularly likes a work of a paper airplane on a gray concrete wall.

She pulls out her camera and says to her father, "Come on, stand up and pretend to throw the plane." He asks, "Why?" She says, "We'll take a picture." He asks, " But why?” She says: “People are happy when it turns out to be a funny picture.” He says: “Yes, if people are happy, then it's good.” Doing something for others – his motivation.

Back home, Barbara Lange researches online help offers for relatives of dementia patients again.

By chance, she came across the Desideria Care association's photo competition “Seeing dementia in a new light” and remembers the paper airplane picture and the other snapshots from her vacation.

For a long time, the family considered whether to send in the photos – and ultimately decided to do so.

"I like them a lot, and my father doesn't show up on them either.

Nevertheless, I was a bit shy,” Barbara Lange explains the hesitation.

But the courage is rewarded: At the award ceremony in mid-October this year, she was the winner in the amateur category.

"It's tragic for me that my father no longer understands the simplest things or that Mom sometimes asks if they have children," she says and swallows.

"But he's happy.

Financial aid for those affected is difficult to access

Spending the time they still have together happily and peacefully together is also Christel B's wish. And she wishes that society would be more open to the topic, that dementia would be more accepted and, above all, that caring relatives would also be involved encountered understanding and recognition.

“There is financial support.

But it is very difficult to find one's way in this bureaucratic jungle and to grasp all the possibilities - especially for older people.

It would be nice if that were easier.” Because like any mental illness, dementia is a challenge for the whole family – which everyone tries to master as best they can.

The model ship in her living room is also a reminder of this.

You can find more current news from the district of Freising at Merkur.de/Freising.