Just before Eurovision in Liverpool, and after many years of nerve-racking waiting, on Saturday Charles III will finally be officially crowned King of England. Together with his wife Camilla, he will leave Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six horses, and the whole kingdom – except perhaps the Scots – will wave flags and applaud.
Charles is no longer a child. He has been preparing for this moment for many years - which provokes a disturbing thought: Does a prince, who most naturally feels burned out in office and aspires to be promoted to king, not actually wish for the death of his parents?
This is, of course, not much different from the heir of a family accounting firm, the daughter of the owner of a chain of dental clinics (about which you can also say that she is waiting for the transfer of the crown), or the son of a garage owner, who is just waiting for the moment when he can change the name of the family business from "Assi's chassi" to "Alon's tambon" - but in all these examples, with all due respect, no one will receive the title of King of England, And the transfer of duty will not include a carriage and 60 trumpeters.
Unfortunately, Charles' coronation is not our celebration, but it turns out that English Jewry also wore a holiday for the event. On one of the radio programs this week, they said that the Chief Rabbi of Britain is even preparing a special prayer for the King and Queen (I wonder if he also prepared one for Princess Diana, zt"l). It turns out that this is nothing new. For centuries, Jews in various countries prayed for the welfare of the local king – not because it interested them much, but because they were concerned about their own well-being, believing that a little flattery for the ruler had not yet killed any Jew.
I do not have the new version of Britain's rabbi. I also don't know if alongside the congratulations and compliments to the king and queen, nastiness was also incorporated in the direction of Meghan Markle. I would be happy if, along the way, the rabbi would also organize a prayer to prevent traffic accidents and for Maccabi to win the European Cup - but I have one of the versions that have been accepted for hundreds of years. And this is the language: "Whoever blessed the kings of the nations of the world and gave them honor and paid them, he will bless our Lord the King (Charles III, for example), who is merciful to Israel, the King of kings will adopt him, the King of kings will bless him, the King of kings will help him, the King of Kings will give mercy in his heart to do good to Israel, and we will say Amen."
First, it is not we who will be adopted and blessed, but the King of Kings will do it for us. This is despite the fact that he will not be able to watch the coronation ceremony, which takes place on Saturday. I see here an emphasis on the words "merciful to Israel," and wonder: How are we supposed to bless a king who is not merciful to Israel? Is it reasonable to pray that "let him go to hell" and insert some curse into the blessing? In Charles' case, it's unclear what he should be merciful about, unless the intention is for him to ask British representatives to give Noa Kyrell Dawes Foa at Eurovision.
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In any case, in these days, when there is a debate among the daughters of Israel about whether it is appropriate for them to brand themselves as characters from "The Handmaid's Tale" or as "daughters of a king," it is clear that there has been a significant decline in the status of the word "king." Unlike in the past, when in order to win the title you had to be the scion of a glorious dynasty of blue-blooded people and a crown of pure gold, today everyone is a king.
It is enough to bring a friend a glass of water or gum, and immediately he will crown you with the nickname "What a king" or "You came out a king." It's as if Charles had ever poured water for someone in his life, bought gum or paid for it with a bill with his mother's picture on it. And each is the daughter of a king, not to mention the top scorer, the falafel king, the caste king, the hookah king or the lion king.
As mentioned, we have nothing to do with the new king, but we must not forget that once we too were under the British Mandate and part of the rule of the crown. And although at that time we made every effort to expel the British from here, for obvious and justified reasons, in light of the current situation in the country, I think that we should rethink the whole thing, and reconsider the option of their return (provided that they are still at it).
First of all, there is nothing more unifying than a common enemy, and the presence of British soldiers in our country will unite in a second all parts of the people, who, instead of fighting and demonstrating against each other, will unite against the foreign occupier with the red berets and even redder noses.
Since flight prices are soaring in the summer, it is possible to take this opportunity to bring back the immigrant ships, which were completely low-cost, on condition that this time they arrange duty-free beach. Our legal system is already based on the British one, and bringing them back here could end the madness surrounding the legal revolution. I personally have always loved the whitish wigs that British lawyers and judges put on their heads while working. Such a wig will surely enhance Simcha Rothman's look.
And speaking of English - then until the end. It will also be possible to adopt England's driving method here, including driving on the left. In any case, Israeli drivers tend to stay in the left lane of the road, even if they are traveling at 20 kilometers per hour. This will make this habit legal.
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Since the opposition to the legal revolution and the demonstrations in the streets, we have also experienced unrest among reservists and pilots. English soldiers who come here will get rid of this and take on the headaches of the attacks, the checkpoints, the defense of the settlements, the missiles from Gaza, Hezbollah and Iran. We will be able to free our soldiers – and this time not only the ultra-Orthodox – to study at university, go to high-tech or do national service in Hasamba.
The British police will deal with crime in Arab society and fight weapons hidden in Arab cities – after all, they have previous experience with the slicks, in which the underground hid weapons in all kinds of kibbutzim. British police and inspectors will hand out road tickets. Who doesn't want to get their report with a bit of "yes pot, no pot" - including people whose only "pot" they've met is Sir Jahnun.
Lately, many Israeli citizens have been interested in obtaining a Portuguese passport. With all due respect to being European, he doesn't have the glamour of the British passport, which makes whoever holds it part of an empire. And what does every Israeli want if not to be an empire himself?
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It may not be easy to convince the British to come back here, certainly in August, but in self-marketing we are actually good. We will explain to them that we already have the London Ministore in Tel Aviv and King George Street. We will explain to them that the Diana restaurant is named after the princess, and that Jonathan Geffen's wonderful song "The Little Prince" was written about Charles - not to mention the movie we made in his honor, "Charlie and a Half".
And of course, we should mention that our strongest brand is also the crown - although not a royal crown, but a plastic crown, which is responsible for a long tradition in which the sons and daughters of a king nobly throw plastic chairs at each other, especially by the pool in hotels. In many cases they are royal sites in their own right, with names like "Princess Hotel" or "Queen of Sheba". So there is nothing more natural than a connection between the dynasties of the House of Windsor and that of the Pancake House, and let's say amen.
And may God save the king.
yairn@israelhayom.co.il
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