This week, as part of testimony in court, I was asked by a respected judge to tell the truth, the whole truth and only the truth. Even though the event took place in Israel and not in Brighton, I feel that I met the task bravely, although the warning that if I didn't tell the truth they would do all sorts of scary things to me, definitely made me nervous.
As I drove home, I couldn't help but think of the endless amount of lies, bluffs, and exaggerations I'd heard throughout my life from those around me and from my own mouth, not to mention fake news and deep fakes.
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Once Dan Ben Amotz and Haim Hefer tried to give indications of the various types of lies, stating that a lie is when no one knows the truth, except for the number itself. A hoax is when everyone knows the truth, except the hoax victim. And it is a falsehood when everyone knows that the story is nothing but a lie – and yet is willing to repeat it again and again.
I heard the first lies from my dear parents, who told me that if I made faces and squinted with my eyes, my face would stay that way (I wonder if they say this today to girls who do Duck Face), and that if I eat carrots my eyesight will improve (I wonder if they had cooperation with the Vegetable Council).
They also lied when they sang to me "Dad went to work and will bring me a present" (the only thing he came back with was back pain); When they said I would have fun spending a month alone at a camp at Kibbutz Givat Haim while they were abroad (what's no fun about getting up at 5 a.m. to pick onions); And when they pointed out that Danny's mother wouldn't let him go to the youth city either/buy him a moped/go to Nuweiba. They are all lies that never existed, but were meant to protect me from the dangers of the world, save them money or allow them a vacation in Rome with peace of mind.
To improve my social status, I lied to children in a free classroom, but I also learned to recognize from other people's stories when they bluff, which became one of my most important skills for the rest of my life. So while my parents were vacationing in Italy, I improved my abilities as Pinocchio.
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But even that didn't help me when, years later, I went to a concert with a young man I didn't know named Eli, who replaced Meir Swisa. On the way to Haifa, we coordinated positions about performing together, and then the guy told me that performing is a hobby for him, and that he is routinely a fighter pilot in the Air Force. I had no reason not to believe him, but on the way home he told me he was also a doctor. Then I realized that I was riding in a car with a bigger blooper than me, and later I even realized that a good liar like Eli Yitzfan could make a pretty glorious career out of it.
A good liar will be inducted into the Distinguished Hall of Fame of storytellers and fiction, and I am old enough to read the Liars' Bible in my youth - the "Backpack of Falsehoods".
It is commonly thought that truth and honesty are a supreme value, but I often wonder if they are such an important and necessary matter. What's good about telling the truth when a friend asks how her new dress is? Even if the dress is very ugly, she already bought it and thought it was beautiful, so why do you think your subjective truth is relevant? It's not like the store will agree to refund her, claiming that "my girlfriend told me I look like a bath curtain in her."
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Should I tell a friend that his wife is projecting him with someone else? Apparently not. After all, unless you're the one making her nights pleasant, how do you know the rumor is true? Were you in the room with them? Besides, maybe he knows? Maybe they have an arrangement and it doesn't bother him? And will your intervention cause anything positive for him or her? Not safe at all. Maybe in that case it's better to act like a civilized person – and make do with gossiping about it with other friends.
When a friend insists on cooking you a meal, and it turns out that the food is not tasty, and there is a feeling that the dominant spice in the dishes is washing powder, and you just wait for him to leave the room for a moment to throw the dish in the trash or invite the Ministry of Health to close the kitchen for him - are you supposed to tell him the truth? On the one hand, if you tell him, maybe he'll get off the hook and stop thinking he's a combination of Eyal Shani and Haim Cohen. On the other hand, who is there to criticize, when the only dish you know how to prepare is a hot dish.
And maybe he'll actually get better down the road? Maybe even the great chefs once started and burned omelets and steaks, but thanks to hard work and patient friends and liars - they improved and got where they were. In short, it is recommended not to stick your nose where it is not necessary, and remember that the truth is overrated.
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Who among us hasn't lied when Waze warned at a traffic light not to type while driving, and wrote "I'm not the driver"? Who hasn't been late for the meeting and claimed that "there were traffic jams on the way," even though he arrived on foot and was late because he didn't wake up from the nap? Who hasn't gone overboard by telling some story that happened to them, just to make the story sound better than what actually happened? Who hasn't bought a TV and asked to be listed on the invoice that it's "office equipment", as if a plumber had an office.
Lying has many advantages over truth. First, lying trains our creative brains. It allows you to unleash the imagination, create exciting stories with the talent of an artist storyteller. Why live a monotonous life when you can embellish it with adventures that never happened, heroic exploits you didn't perform, and Valentino-level love stories?
In a world where the main thing is to be unique, an influencer, a tweeter, Blaine and a unicorn, and where the most important thing is to show how much fun you have in a story, how good you look, have a good time and your life is a Beyoncé-level dream – even when you're a parking inspector in a town in Bulgaria – being a liar can contribute a lot to your popularity index. It is true that if you are caught and exposed you will find yourself humiliated in the town square, but as Tuna said: this too will pass. And after a while you can continue to lie and have fun.
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If you're caught up in a particularly boring conversation at a cocktail party, with people you'll never meet again, lying can help you sail into imaginary and much more interesting worlds than theirs and yours. You can tell them that you're a scientist who invented the solar water heater, taming lions or dating Kim Kardashian, and that way you passed the time and even if they surpass you, no harm will be done. Most will say you're a liar.
The author of this article does not accept responsibility for any unfortunate consequences that may arise from the application of the benefits mentioned above. Use lies carefully, at your own risk, and if you say you did it under the influence of my column, I'll lie and say I never wrote it. Your conversation is important to us, there are no double promotions and everything is subject to the regulations.
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