My longtime readers know very well that despite my distinctly left-wing positions, and the fact that the only God I believe in is Ryan Gosling, I maintain a lively dialogue with the other side of the faith and the right. So when Prime Minister Netanyahu declared this week, before leaving for the United States, that "the demonstrators joined the PLO and Iran," and my campmates ignited in a spontaneous fire of rage, I stopped to ask myself if this might be true.
True, on the face of it, I am not a member of the Palestine Liberation Organization, and what about me and a Sunni Islamic Shiite republic located in West Asia that currently has a totalitarian theocratic regime. But as someone who preaches introspection and doubt, who knows, maybe he's onto something here? Maybe I can take the opportunity and learn something about myself? So I sat down and made a list of everything I had in common with the PLO and Iran:
1. I always wrote "prize" with the letter F in a city-country. True, I could think of Poland, Panama or Peru, but I was nervous.
2. I also played the computer game "Prince of Persia" (but I couldn't draw the sword).
3. Neither I nor the PLO have good relations with Hamas.
4. Although I oppose terrorism, I am a leftist and Ashkenazia, so a hundred out of a hundred, with absolute certainty, in a decade I go into hummus and say "AHALAN VESAHALAN," and in two decades I go into friends' homes and say "AHLEN."
5. While I oppose the financing of terrorism worldwide, I teamed up with singer Rita many times during Saponja, when I sang "Mad Dance" (the perfect sponge song, try and enjoy).
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The High Holidays are a problematic time for the self-employed. After a forced leave from work in August (everyone is abroad), you meet your checking account again from the wrong side on Tishrei (everyone is abroad or hitting things with lulavs). Also, for the most part, I like my children, but already on Rosh Hashanah I invented the game "Whoever turns to me second, gets a prize" (give it a moment).
Therefore, I am announcing with a committee: Anyone who books a show of mine on Tishrei will enjoy a 15% discount (an additional discount for those who live far away and in order to arrive on time you have to leave the house really early). Because in Burrow, there are other things in life besides loading up the dishwasher and passively watching episodes of PJ Force. And to all my independent readers, I printed us T-shirts, "I worked like a donkey all Tishrei and all I got was a nice brown fruit." May tax invoices increase as a grenade, raise your down payments, and may government ministries pay faster than current plus eternity.
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My father turned 70. Sorry, technically, his birthday is in two weeks, so he hasn't turned 70 yet, but New Year was our only chance to pack up the whole extended family and mark the occasion in Cyprus. It was a very thoughtful surprise, my mother had to lie to him continuously for weeks, and he was very, very happy and equally upset that she chose to pack a big suitcase for them instead of a trolley. Anyone who knows my father knows that it's not about money but about efficiency, and it's very effective to talk about a suitcase for four days.
During this time, he cried with emotion at least three times, examined the car's locking mechanism and tried to read Dostoevsky to me while I physically had three different children on me. In honor of the occasion, we printed everyone T-shirts that read "One hundred percent Polish," and when we sent him to wear his shirt at the airport, he said, "But then they'll know I'm related to you." My father is a legend, and maybe one day I'll dedicate an entire column to him.
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Traveling in such a large group is difficult. 15 people, one of whom needs to sleep for lunch and one of them needs to stop for a cigarette. 15 people, some of whom prefer to flow to a water park and some do not want to flow, and certainly not to the water or the park or somewhere else other than the sofa. 15 people, many of whom are children who want to tell you things, like riddles they invented or fascinating facts about ants.
15 people say shifts should be done by the pool to make sure none of the little ones decide to fall into the water. This means that from the time you ask "Who wants toast?" to the moment you finally sit down to eat yours, enough time passes for someone to remember that they actually do. One moment I didn't notice and found myself registered to drive a nine-person van (on the other side of the road, right?), so I spent much of my time with a motor car, waiting to fill all the benches. I grew a nail in Zareth, and now I'm ready to drive the Tel Aviv-Netanya line.
The main thing is that it was successful, and that everyone was very cute and ate an unreasonable amount of toast.
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Selichot 5724 Style:
Men who said something uninteresting online: "Sorry to anyone who was offended by me, because I said things that what to do, are true, but he still chose to be offended by them!"
Shlomo Karai: "Sorry and go to hell."
Instagram influencers: "This year I'm asking forgiveness from myself for not being attentive enough to myself, not paying enough attention to myself, not loving myself enough – and so are you. Pay attention to what's next."
My youngest son: "Leak!" (Torn with laughter and do the same again).
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