Like every year on the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Selichot occupies us. From one of the cases that is stirring America, the conviction for the rape of the famous actor Danny Masterson, a different angle emerges from the fascinating subject. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, his close friends for years, decided to express their support for him and wrote letters to the judge attesting to his positive character before deciding on his sentence. The letters, of course, were leaked to the media, and the public came out against them in protest of support for a friend who assaulted women.
Kutcher and Kunis went live on Instagram to apologize, saying they didn't want to hurt Masterson's victims, but rather give their perspective on their relationship with him.
Did they really regret it, or was it a PR move to save their reputation? The two said all the right words to acknowledge their mistake, but the apology came only after the letter was revealed, casting doubt on their intentions because the timing indicates authenticity. But Ashton and Mila aren't the first; We often witness public apologies from public figures and corporations stemming from the need to maintain a positive public image.
So what's the problem?
The main argument against Kutcher and Kunis concerns the authenticity of the apology, but that's not the only problem. The public apology, especially on Instagram Live, flattens a sensitive and complex question – the question of friendly loyalty when it goes against moral virtues. Should I stand by a friend even when he hurts others? And which is more important, loyalty or social justice?
I guess they were alarmed by the general outrage, which led to a super-quick apology, which might further encourage the tendency to conduct a field trial for famous people.
Illustration: Paula Rosenberg, done with the help of artificial intelligence on Ideogram.ai website,
Without delving into the details of the incident, instead of focusing on the issue itself and provoking a conversation about society's excessive forgiveness towards famous and wealthy sex offenders, everyone dealt with the apology itself, the color of the wall they leaned on, their facial expressions, the quality of the video footage, and of course the juicy details of their romantic history and public sexual references.
In my opinion, the most important discussion arose from the retrieval of interviews from the past of young and minor Mila and the young chauvinist Kutcher. It's encouraging to see that those interviews, which took place less than 20 years ago, wouldn't pass today.
While an apology is a way of acknowledging the pain I may have caused someone, intentionally or unintentionally, and acknowledging it is important and helps create a closer relationship, does an apology also require a sense of regret?
And what happens when we don't believe in an apology – is it still worth apologizing, "for" the other side, even if we did the same thing again? Is an apology intended to preserve an interest legitimate? And is an apology that merely validates the feelings of the victim a manipulation?
When is it forbidden to apologize?
Sometimes an apology can come at the expense of the self-worth or peace of mind of the person asking for forgiveness – who is required to apologize involuntarily – because if someone demands that I apologize, it can indicate a toxic dynamic between us.
In my teenage years, I had a friend who frequently demanded that I apologize to her for trivial matters, such as going to the bathroom in the middle of a party and not asking if she wanted to join, or going to the beach with another friend and not suggesting that she come too. At first I apologized so as not to make a fuss, although I didn't feel I really had anything to ask her forgiveness for, but I found that the more I apologized, the more frequent the requests became.
Another situation in which an apology is problematic in my opinion is in relationships with unhealthy dynamics or those in which there is an unbalanced balance of power, when the offending party demands apologies regularly and allows himself to project the blame on the other.
Psychologist and author Dr. Harriet Lerner, who wrote about the subject in her book Why Don't You Apologize?, argues that an insincere or forced apology destroys relationships. In the case where we do not feel that we have made a mistake, I agree with the solution she proposes: to have a real dialogue to understand the point of view of the aggrieved party, because an apology made only to avoid confrontation creates tension. So I agree with Lerner, but warn those who want to insist on dialogue and avoid fake apologies. The other side may interpret this as a failure to take responsibility or evasion.
It's not easy to insist, it's not easy to claim that a person who claims to have been hurt is actually projecting his guilt onto you. I get reprimanded quite a bit for wanting to be unwise and seek justice, but if you're like that too, you know you have no chance of saying something you don't mean.
It is not condescendingly that I write this, on the contrary. Sometimes I feel foolish in insisting on getting to the bottom of the truth. I'm willing to talk for hours to avoid an insincere apology, but I totally understand why many would prefer otherwise. In Lerner's book, she suggests empathizing with the other's hurt, listening to them even when we don't intend to apologize, and saying, "I understand why you feel hurt, let's talk about it."
Overapologies
Some people apologize excessively. I was like that too. I felt a lot of guilt for other people's behaviors. Overapologising is a sign that we are not keeping our boundaries, trying to please, or fearing that we will not be liked if we stand up for ourselves. Children who grew up in an environment where they felt always angry will get used to apologizing as a way to survive. A genuine and sincere apology contributes to well-being, but an overapology indicates negative self-worth.
Must forgive?
One of the encouraging things I've learned in my process to forgive myself and other people who have hurt me is to understand that forgiveness is a process and not a momentary event, that if I still don't feel like I'm forgiving someone it's okay to take my time, to forgive at my own pace. It is permissible to have behaviors or events that we will not be able to forgive, as this indicates that we have healthy internal boundaries, that we sometimes know how to prioritize ourselves over the relationship with someone, even a family member.
On this occasion I do not want to ask for general forgiveness from everyone I have hurt, because true forgiveness is specific, not public. One that details exactly the behavior for which I ask for forgiveness.
The Guide to Authentic Apology
Don't rush to wrap yourself in the belief that you're righteous. Before you feel yourself a god of morality, check to see if your apology is genuine:
• First person singular - "I hurt" rather than "You were hurt"
• Specific apology - "Sorry I called you aggressive" rather than "Sorry for the way I spoke"
• No "but" - take responsibility without excuses
Remorse for the past is not enough – a practical statement is needed on how behavior will change in the future
• A personal and non-public apology - to the person you hurt and not in the media or social networks
• Do not force acceptance of forgiveness – the choice to forgive is the victim's alone.
How to apologize without apologizing? The complete guide:
• Vague speech: "Mistakes were made" rather than "I was wrong."
The magic word 'but': "Sorry you feel this way, but..."
General language: "Sorry if anyone was offended by my words"
• Conditioning the offense: "Sorry if anyone was offended by my words" • Questioning the offense: "Someone may have been offended by my words"
• Building acted and did not act: "I understand that your feelings have been hurt" rather than "I understand that I hurt your feelings."
• Plural and not singular: "We all make mistakes, we all hurt"
False symmetry: "We both hurt, we both hurt"
Obscuring the facts: "I didn't remember it that way, but I trust what you're saying."
Passive-aggressive humor: "I wasn't informed that I was supposed to act like an angel"
The hated phrase: "We will agree to disagree"
Blaming the victim for being hypersensitive: "You have the ability to get excited about little things that others don't notice."
Self-centeredness: "It's really hard for me to know that you've been hurt by me"
Presenting the injury as subjective: "Now I understand that you are specifically offended by such things"
• Moral relativism: "Look, there is no evil and no good, but I understand that for you it is unpleasant"
Shock from the situation: "Wow, I really didn't expect you to take it this way"
Manipulative compliments: "I find your forgiveness amazing"
Compliments from minors: "You're very pretty when you're angry"
Watabaut: "Everyone was talking and only I was hurt? What about what Eli told you?"
• Victimization: "You know what a time I'm going through, sorry I wasn't busy with you."
Dismissive reference: "Let's get into proportions."
The "You started" method: "That was my reaction to your behavior."
Accusation of ingratitude: "After everything I've done for you, is this exactly what you're caught up in?"
Accusation of notebooks: "I don't write down like a word being said, but you don't miss anything, so sorry"
Accusation of childishness: "I love that you have that childish part of you that needs to be apologized to."
Accusation of lack of awareness: "Maybe you're hurt because you're having a hard time with this part of you?"
New Age accusation: "Pay attention to the message from the universe, maybe you feel hurt because it's a part that asks for change"
Manipulating the sculptor in Momo: "Maybe what bothers you is my behavior is what you need to change about you?"
Self-aggrandizement: "I'm usually charming and considerate, aren't I? So that's exactly what you're getting caught up in?"
Call the hurt "honest": "I'm real, not everyone can contain it."
Blaming the situation: "This period is challenging for everyone, not just me, so I was ejected"
• Reference to past tense abuse: "I'm glad it's behind us"
• Presenting the preoccupation with harm as a flaw: "It's time to move forward and not wallow in the past"
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