By Meghan Holohan - TODAY
After Hamas launched a surprise attack on Israel, the news – and our daily conversations – have been consumed by mentions of missing Americans, the rising death toll, and the devastating impact the event has had on Israeli families.
Many parents in America are so overwhelmed by the details of the conflict that they don't want to broach the issue with their children. After all, it's natural to want to protect children from any topic that might cause them fear. But the truth is, whether parents mention the conflict or not, children can find out from teachers, friends, or other adults.
Parenting expert Dr. Deborah Gilboa told TODAY that it's best to wait until kids are 8 or older to talk about serious world events, "but if you can hear about those events anywhere else, it's better to talk about it at any age."
A woman welcomes children at Frankfurt International Airport, October 12, 2023, after the first Lufthansa flight from Tel Aviv, Israel.
Before you say anything to children, be sure to process your own feelings first. "A conversation with your child about a topic that scares them and is incomprehensible to them is not the appropriate time to express their emotions," Gilboa said. Take your time to process the information before launching into a conversation with your child, she explains.
Gilboa recommended thinking about what you want your child to know or learn. For example, you probably don't need to know concrete details about the conflict. Instead, you may want you to know, "War is far away and we are safe."
He also reminded parents that they don't have to have all the answers. Reflecting on a problem together helps children learn to manage ambiguous feelings.
"It gives them practice thinking about difficult things," he said.
The specialist also shared tips on how to talk about war with children depending on their age.
Preschool to age 8
Gilboa's advice for younger children is to give them objective information with personal value. It should be brief and clear. Messages could include: "There is a war far away where there are American soldiers [nearby]. We're safe, but it's an important thing [that's happening]."
"If you are asked a follow-up question, give the answer simply and reinforce [your values]," he explained.
So, if a child asks, "Why are they fighting?" parents can say, "They fight over who should be in charge, but it's [happening] away from here."
It is essential that parents reassure their children and maintain an open dialogue.
"It's very helpful to tell your child, 'When you have more emotions, come talk to me.' Not "if", but "when". The when he opens the door more than the 'yes'," he explained.
From 8 to 10 years old
Gilboa urged parents to keep the message simple and share a lesson about what's important to their family.
"It could be that in your life or your child's life the message is about safety or being a patriot," he said.
When children surprise parents with questions about war, it's okay if adults aren't prepared to broach the subject. They should acknowledge it and come back to the topic later. Saying something like, "I'm the right person to ask the question" helps children understand that parents are a trusted source.
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Give yourself room to breathe and decide what the lesson is," he said.
Although a child who asks about war may catch his parents off guard, there is an advantage to it: knowing that he is worrying about his children.
"[It's] about knowing what answers they're looking for," he added.
Children in middle school
Parents should start by asking their middle school children what they know about war. They can then answer their child's specific questions.
"We tend to assume that our children feel a certain way and we get it wrong a considerable amount of times," he said. "[That reality] allows [their children] to start from where they are, where we think they are."
Asking questions also provides the possibility for parents to guide their children to verifiable facts.
"We can correct any misconceptions," Gilboa said.
If parents don't know the answer to something, they should try to find it with their children. That offers the added advantage of teaching children where to find reliable information and how to think critically about sources.
"When you see how they learn, it becomes part of the process and part of the conversation," he explained.
For high school students
Parents should start by asking their teens what they know about the ongoing war, and share as much objective information as they can. But then they should ask them what they think about it and where they get their information.
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Teens want to know what adults think about it and are very influenced by it," Gilboa said. "But they are also influenced by other people," he added.
Parents can help their teens "think critically about where they get their information and where their beliefs come from."
For many teens, a potential war means they might be drafted. Gilboa explained that experts seem to believe that the chances of compulsory recruitment taking place are very low, and that parents can reassure them that this did not happen after the 9/11 attacks, for example. But, he stressed, they could also talk to their children about what might happen.
"Ask your teen, 'If there was a draft, how would you feel comfortable serving the country?'"