For anyone prone to experiencing embarrassment, there's a scene in Molly Roden Winter's debut, Molly Roden Winter's "More: A Memoir of Open Marriage," that should be accompanied by a warning.
Winter is at home in New York.
Many of Stewart's friends are skeptical of their open marriage. Photo: Michael Tyrone Delaney for The New York Times
She has just had sex with her boyfriend while their two children sleep upstairs.
Her husband, Stewart, consented to the date, but she, feeling guilty, rushes naked into the kitchen to text him:
Don't worry, she writes, "she has nothing to envy you as a lover."
But instead of sending the message to her husband, she accidentally sends it to her boyfriend, who angrily leaves and later breaks up with her.
Winter, devastated, begs her husband to come home to comfort her.
"I still get nauseous remembering it," says Winter, 51, who was sipping tea in the living room of her bright and spacious home in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
"Talking about the most scary thing that could happen."
"Bad sex taught me a lot more about what makes good sex," says Roden Winter. Photo: Michael Tyrone Delaney for The New York Times
It's far from the only harrowing and impressively heartfelt scene in "More," documenting Winter's often turbulent experience in open marriage:
the resentment and jealousy shefelt toward her husband's girlfriends, the flashes of guilt and shame, and the challenges of juggling her obligations as a wife and mother with her pursuit of sexual and romantic satisfaction.
Winter is fully aware that people can judge her by the behavior she describes in "More."
But she also says she felt compelled to write about her experience, in part because she believes non-monogamy is often described as marginal, not a lifestyle pursued by married mothers.
"I felt like there were no mainstream stories about it, and I felt very locked in," Winter says.
"It often seems that mothers should not be sexual beings."
"More," which Doubleday will release Jan. 16, comes at a time when polyamory is moving from the margins into the mainstream.
About one-third of Americans surveyed in a YouGov poll in February 2023 said they preferred some form of non-monogamy in relationships.
In addition to novels, TV series, and movies depicting threesome, polygamous, and other permutations of open relationships, there is a growing body of nonfiction literature that explores the ethics and logistical hurdles of polyamory.
Recent titles include memoirs such as journalist Rachel Krantz's "Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy" by journalist Rachel Krantz, and self-help and inspirational books such as "The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy." "The Polyamory Paradox" and "A Polyamory Devotional," which contains 365 daily reflections for polyamorists.
Jessica Fern, a psychotherapist who counsels people in open relationships, said Winter's account adds a new layer to the growing catalog of nonfiction about polyamory.
"Her story, which is about what it means for a mother to be erotically charged, is a story I haven't seen enough yet," said Fern, author of "Polysecure" and "Polywise."
Fern noted that there may be a shortage of books written by mothers in open marriages because they are simply too busy:
"When you're a mom and you're polyamorous, who has time to write?"
Winter admits that polyamory can be exhausting, especially when she had to juggle it with marriage, childcare, and work as an 8th grade English teacher.
"I didn't sleep much," she says.
For her, opening marriage wasn't just about doing what she wanted and with whomever she wanted.
She had to get rid of internalized sexism and her tendency to put the needs of others before her own, issues she addressed in therapy.
What began as a search for sexual thrills unexpectedly led to self-discovery.
"I thought non-monogamy was going to be about sex," she says.
"I thought I was going to have a great sexual adventure and it was going to be very exciting. And it was, until it wasn't."
To be clear:
"More" is also about sex.
Winter recounts his experiments with plugs, fisting, and sex, and catalogs his extramarital affairs—ranging from brief encounters in seedy hotel rooms to romantic relationships that last for years—in meticulous detail.
She has changed the names of her respective partners and her husband to protect their privacy, but often leaves little else to the imagination.
There's "Karl," the generous German lover who seems hell-bent on pleasing her in bed, then pushes her into a threesome with him and her fiancé, and then leaves her standing.
There's "Laurent," the French-born Argentinian lover who refuses to use condoms and likes to have sex in public bathrooms and coworking spaces, a fetish that gets Winter kicked out of a shared office for life.
And there's "Jay," a 29-year-old with an outrageously large penis.
After having unsatisfying sex, Jay tells Winter that he can't normally orgasm with intercourse, but that he plans to masturbate by remembering her.
"You're a sweetheart," she tells him.
Winter grew up in Evanston, Illinois, and was in her early 20s when she met Stewart Winter, the man she would marry.
He made her laugh and she was passionate about her work composing music for TV shows and movies.
In 2008, they had been married for nearly a decade and had two young children when Molly Winter met someone else.
Frustrated after a grueling day taking care of her children while he worked late, she went for a walk one night.
A friend invited her out for drinks, and at the bar she struck up a flirtatious conversation with a man.
When she told her husband, to her surprise, he didn't get angry.
Instead, he urged her to sleep with her new acquaintance and tell him the details.
When Winter started dating, it didn't take long for her husband to start seeing other women.
Although she agreed that it was the right thing to do, jealousy consumed her and from time to time she asked to end the marriage.
Stewart Winter confirmed that open marriage was easier for her at first.
"Molly may have been pickier than I was at the time," she said, comparing her dating experience to being "at a salad bar."
In the early years, many of his sexual exploits proved unsatisfying.
At the time, most online dating sites didn't cater to polyamorous people, so I sometimes resorted to dating men who cheated on their wives and girlfriends
. "It wasn't my finest hour," he says.
Some of her closest friends worried that she was sabotaging their marriage and getting hurt.
"I was worried that he would lean so much into the sexual part that he didn't really think about the emotional element," says Rebecca Morrissey, a friend of more than 25 years, who adds that her worries faded when Winter began to build healthier relationships with her lovers.
Eventually, Molly Winter gave up cheating men and started dating people who were also in open relationships, a demographic that became easier to find when online dating services added non-monogamy to their menus. Even then, the options were limited.
"There were so few people who matched me with Stewart," he says.
Winter and her husband wondered when and how to tell their children what they were doing, and they wanted to wait until they were mature enough to do it.
That plan backfired when her eldest son, then 13, saw his father's online dating profile on his laptop and sent a panicked message to his mother asking if they had an open marriage.
Her youngest son discovered it in a similar way a few years ago, when he was 14, she says.
Now, their children, ages 19 and 21, no longer worry about their parents' sex lives.
The older one has read the book and told Winter that he has skipped some of the "more lurid" sex scenes, while the younger one has chosen not to read it, he explains.
It took several years before Winter felt comfortable revealing the details of her open marriage to a wider circle of friends and family.
When she told her mother about her adventures in non-monogamy, she learned that her parents, who had been married for nearly 60 years, were also in an open marriage.
Her parents, Mary and Philip Roden, were a little uncomfortable with the intimate details their daughter shares in her memoir, but ultimately approved the book, they said in a video interview.
"For the most part, I totally approved of what he said," Mary Roden said, though she noted that she was criticized for "the crude and detailed sexual descriptions."
For his part, Stewart Winter is excited about the memoir, but worries that people will think he manipulated his wife into opening their marriage.
"All my reservations, to be honest, are because I'm selfish and wonder how he's going to make me look good," hesays.
"More" ends in 2018, when Molly Winter's boyfriend, whose wife had recently divorced him, broke up with her after she rejected his ultimatum to end their own marriage.
Winter's heart broke, but she moved on, and has since had other serious romances.
She is increasingly certain that her 24-year marriage has benefited from her external relationships.
She's thinking about publishing another book about her open marriage, which will explore in part the surprising connections she's made with the "other women" in her life, including Stewart's girlfriends and the wives of the men she dates.
For now, Winter braces for the impact the book will inevitably have on her and those around her, but she seems undaunted.
"I've spent a lot of time reassuring others," he says.
"This doesn't seem like something to be afraid of."
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