In February 2016, the parents of Dr. Tristan Lue's fiancée flew from Korea to meet his family for the first time.
Lue, a dentist based in Edgewater, New Jersey, felt a
sudden change in her
year-long relationship.
It was clear that his future in-laws did not approve of their union.
"Two days later, I came home and all the furniture was gone and only the ring was on the table," says Lue, 43.
"It's like one of those Korean dramas."
In addition to the anguish, Lue had another problem: the almost 200 guests who had confirmed their attendance at the wedding in three months.
Luckily, the couple's wedding planner, Diane Kolanović-Šolaja, owner of Dee Kay Events in Howell, New Jersey, got to work organizing the logistics.
Not everyone has the luxury of a wedding planner, and even if they do, dealing with the
aftermath of canceled nuptials
can be daunting.
Here's what to do - and what to avoid - according to wedding planners and unmarried people who didn't make it down the aisle.
Focus on your well-being
Above all,
take care of your mental health
.
"I don't think people should do what I did," Lue says, adding that he began smoking marijuana and cigarettes and drinking to overcome his distress.
To get out of that chapter, Lue was grateful that Kolanović-Šolaja, his parents and his brothers checked on him regularly.
She also started seeing a therapist once a week, running regularly, and playing golf more.
After meeting "the one" on a business trip that spring, Jenna Volpe, 35, a registered dietitian in Austin, Texas, canceled her September 2017 wedding at a New Hampshire castle for more than 200 guests, to which was 14 weeks away.
Taking care of your well-being and mental health, having someone to vent with is essential.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration
"I came home and two days later I told my whole family, 'Listen, I met someone in Toronto and
I'm canceling my wedding
,'" she said.
For Volpe, not having the support of her loved ones became an opportunity to tune into his heart.
"I've always been a people pleaser," she says.
"This was a transformative journey to ask myself questions like 'What do I want?'"
Talk to your ex-partner... or not
It may sound harsh, but Kolanović-Šolaja said you have to approach canceling a wedding as a business transaction.
"If
you want to be fair to each other
and make a clean break, sit down and work it out like you would with a colleague," she said, noting that
removing the emotional component
can help make the logistics of the cancellation "much smoother."
Kolanović-Šolaja added that
was the best way to carry out these interactions because it gives people time to compose their thoughts instead of sending heated messages or getting nervous on the phone or in person.
If you can't have a civil exchange with your ex, Leah Weinberg, a New York attorney and author of
The Wedding Roller Coaster
, suggests having a mutual friend or relative who has a good relationship with you. Both parties take care of the logistics of contacting suppliers and guests.
Communicating that you don't want to get married can be difficult, but don't avoid it, talk about it with the other person.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration
If the couple can't agree on who will handle it, each could
name a personal "representative
," and the two could work together, Weinberg explains.
And if you have a wedding planner, most will be in charge of contacting the suppliers if you ask them to.
"It's helpful to have a buffer" when you're not clear-headed, he added.
Notify your suppliers
The first thing you should do is notify your wedding suppliers.
"The closer you get to the wedding, the more money you lose
," explains Cathy O'Connell, founder of COJ Events in Palm Springs, California.
If a couple "is thinking about canceling, it's best to do it sooner rather than later," she says.
Couples should also know
their suppliers' cancellation policies
from the beginning .
"Understand the cancellation clause your supplier includes in the contract," says Weinberg.
There is always a deadline
after which an outstanding balance is due, he adds.
"I always encourage couples to explain to vendors that they
're canceling the wedding because they're no longer together
," says Sara Bauleke, owner of Bella Notte, a Washington, D.C., wedding planning company. "They sympathize."
Notify guests
"I followed a strategy for notifying guests," Weinberg says.
This is another task that can be entrusted to a friend or family member.
Whatever you do,
don't delay in notifying
your guests, who may have booked travel and accommodation.
You don't owe detailed explanations to the guests, just let them know as soon as the wedding is cancelled.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration
But, he added, "don't owe your wedding guests a long explanation."
He suggests writing an email as if it were a press release, ending with something like this:
"We appreciate you respecting our privacy
. "
Or you can spread the word through a "phone tree."
After you
notify your
closest friends and family, ask them to call other wedding guests.
Volpe took the "divide and conquer" approach, where she told people on her side of the guest list and her ex-fiancé took care of the other side.
"I delegated some of it to my parents," Volpe says.
"I contacted my friends individually with a call or text to let them know."
If people ask, Bauleke advises
having a general statement prepared
.
It can be something as simple as, "We decided it wasn't the right decision for our lives," she said.
Call your suppliers again
It's always worth asking your suppliers if you can use them in another way.
Jenny Dreizen, 36, was inspired by her sister to start her business Fresh Start Registries, a free registry creator for those going through times of transition, such as a divorce, after she called off her wedding in May 2021.
Each person could appoint a personal "representative" to handle cancellation logistics.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration
Dreizen says she ended up asking her future wedding photographer to come to her "bachelorette apartment" and take photos of her.
You can also organize a session with friends, take photos with a pet or schedule family portraits.
Although there may be a time limit for rebooking, such as six months or within a calendar year, in Bauleke's experience, most vendors will return the wedding deposit for another event.
What about wedding gifts?
Once you've decided to cancel the wedding,
cut off the registry
so guests don't continue buying gifts.
"One of the things that was unusual to have was this monogrammed cake plate," recalls Dreizen, who received many gifts for her wedding of 150 people.
"I was wondering what he was going to do with this, with his initials and mine."
You can choose to return the gifts or not, but cancel the registry at the store if they made a wedding registry.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration
If the gifts are not personalized, some professionals say that etiquette requires
returning them
.
"Contact the store or company through their registry to find out what their policy is," Bauleke said.
"The ideal is that you can return the gifts
and get your money back."
Other experts disagree about the need to return a gift.
"I don't think they expect you to give it back, especially when they find out that the relationship has dissolved," Kolanović-Šolaja said.
"
He donates
things or, you know, goes into the backyard and breaks them."
Translation: Patricia Sar.
© The New York Times