“One does not get divorced to have sexual encounters with another, because that can be done within the context of marriage, with an open partner or due to infidelity.
They get divorced because a relationship is no longer going
, because love ends, because they don't get along or because they fight too much," says Silvina Valente, clinical sexologist, specialist in gynecology and president of the Argentine Society of Human Sexuality (SASH), to
Clarín
. .
How does a person put themselves back together after a breakup?
Does separation free us from shame and bondage, or does it cover us with a shell of fear?
How to accommodate expectations, fantasies and desires in the face of new and still unknown situations and people?
Separations and divorces are another component of the ups and downs of relationships.
So much so that during 2023 in the City of Buenos Aires, 6,420 couples managed divorces... A number that represents no less than almost
half of the total number of couples who went through the Civil Registry to say yes
(13,502).
This trend is quite similar to that of 2022 (13,510 Buenos Aires marriages, versus 5,710 divorces).
The director of Consexuar (on Instagram, @consexuar) will say that, in principle, what will happen after the divorce
will depend on how both parties manage the separation
.
“Although many times it is consensual, many others there is a third party.
Then there is one of the two people who decides to leave the other or be left, but already has a companion or some type of relationship or is in much more open relationships and they continue having some type of sex."
Back to the ring
“The time that one was in a stable relationship causes
certain codes to be lost
: the rituals of courtship and approach are not the same,” comments Silvana Savoini, psychologist and sexologist.
The time one was in a stable relationship causes certain codes to be lost.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
And he continues: “That is, when the person learned to establish sexual-affective bonds,
seduction did not have those variables
.
Therefore, changing social scenarios sometimes operate as
inhibitors or generators of anxiety
due to not knowing how to use tools (such as dating applications), or not knowing social codes.”
“It is a new social framework in which the person
has to reintegrate like the first time
, like when we went from childhood to adolescence and youth.
So,
everything is new
.
For someone who has just separated after a long time, it is almost like
starting from scratch on a social level
.”
Vital credit: there is no time to waste
However, accumulated experience and years of life also play a role.
Savoini, director of the Advanced Studies in Sexology and Neurosciences diploma at the CEI of the National University of Rosario, explains to
Clarín
that “in older adulthood there is a factor that is what we call the 'awareness of vital credit', which is that awareness that
the time we have ahead of us is less than the time we have already lived
, and that makes us feel that there is no time to waste.”
“Then people become
more selective
, they know what they don't want and what they do, what things they are going to tolerate and what they are not going to allow.
There arises the opportunity to raise
each person's
non-negotiables .
This means that, although they become more 'selective', the possibilities of being disappointed are also limited, since they have a much clearer roadmap," adds the professional (on Instagram, @ssavoini).
The 'life credit consciousness' is the awareness that the time ahead of us is less than the time we have already lived.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
Along these lines, the gynecologist, sexologist and neuroscience specialist Flor Salort brings the concept of emotional responsibility: “Older adults look for
intimacy or connection, rather than dissipating a fever
.
Generally, the person wants to find something in another person that perhaps they did not find, for example, that they are more affectionate, that there are more caresses, that there is more responsibility or respect, that the relationship is more sincere or less toxic."
That's why the author of
Nosotras.
Sex, health and emotions
(Planet) says that “separation generally liberates, and one is clearer about what one wants and what one does not want.”
Between sex and love
“It is always a first time when we change partners, the first time after divorce too.
It can cause anxiety and sometimes we can even not have an orgasm because we put ourselves in the role of spectators or, in their case, erectile dysfunction or ejaculating quickly,” says Valente.
"It is easier for men to enter a world of deaffected sex," says Silvina Valente.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
The president of the SASH believes that
it is easier for men to enter a world of unaffected
and avoidant sex:
“For a long-married woman who has been divorced, it is very difficult to understand again how to relate to other people in terms of sexuality, because we no longer talk about sex and affection, we talk about
sex without affection
.
And that type of relationship not only costs, but there are many people who are not interested.
Specifically, tenderness or love – although it seems to be the unnameable in these new forms of sexuality – weighs a lot.”
And he says: “A long-standing love probably won't have good sex;
But while you can find very good sex after divorce, it is much more difficult to find good love, although not impossible.”
The sexologist comments that what most influences when it comes to resuming relationships after divorce is the person's level of openness, to love or sex.
While young people are more available to sex, adults tend to seek more company and tenderness.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
While younger people, in general, are more available to sex,
adults tend to seek more company
, tenderness, contact.
"It's not that they don't look for sex, but they are clearer about some things and values, they know each other better, so the search is more 'directed', even if it seems more difficult."
The ghost of the ex
If the figure of the ex-partner becomes a stick for competition, a memory longed for with tears or a person who simply becomes part of the past, it will be the basis for understanding to what extent it will interfere in a person's new relationships.
“I know people who are very friendly, who take care of each other… and people who hate each other.
It will depend on the values, the type of personality, how they handled that divorce, how they were able to separate,” says Silvina.
“Divorces are not always managed in an emotionally mature way and many times they go through a transition period.” Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
“Divorces are not always managed in an emotionally mature way and many times they go through a transition period where seeing the couple with someone can hurt them.
It is a narcissistic wound, where the question that is present is 'why is it not me?
Why couldn't it be me?'”
And he continues: "But in reality the person should keep in mind that for a lot of years 'it was you' and he was a lot of years 'for you', but now they have changed and you
have the opportunity to know a new world
and that they look at you differently, because probably the way they were doing it was not good.
And that's what a person can't stand, 'why wasn't I that person's only love?'
Because
it's what the culture made us: monogamy is one thing, and being 'unique' is another thing
.”
Listen to the body
“People are 'ready' to have relationships with others at any time in their history when there is another person who attracts them.
When just at the right time, at the ideal moment, in the right place there is a person.
And that doesn't mean we can't get hot with someone even if we're married;
What can happen is that
we don't allow it
, and that is different.
And a person who does not allow himself to have relationships with others so as not to hurt other people will have less 'permissions' to have relationships or stories with others, even if he is divorced."
Listening to your own body, the key to starting over.
Photo Shutterstock.
Silvina Valente gives some guidelines for
resuming your sexual life after divorce
: “Listen to your body, feel, recognize the emotions and look for positive emotions.
Don't look for revenge, look for love, and first, self-love.
Seek to feel,
seek to feel your body
.”
“If you don't dare to meet someone else - due to taboos, permissions or because you can't find the right person - you always have the person you love most by your side.
Give the first encounter as a gift to yourself
, because there is nothing better than starting a sexuality for yourself, to be able to begin to motivate ourselves, get interested and look and be seen, and thus create a certain degree of need for eroticism and pleasure.
Always with a lot of respect for ourselves and others.”
Taking care of yourself is still
clue
Finally, professionals remember the importance of
always using a condom
.
“Both outside of marriage and after divorce, sometimes the most difficult thing is to incorporate the use of condoms.
Many of the people who divorce do not have the HPV vaccine and, even if they are not fertile because they are in the menopause stage, they can become infected with HIV or other sexually transmitted infections,” says Valente.
All professionals remember the importance of always using a condom.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
“As they grow older, unfortunately men want to use condoms much less,” says Salort (on Instagram, @flordegineco) -.
When a woman is in postmenopause, since she has no risk of pregnancy, she also
sometimes allows certain things that are not so good
and, out of fear that this will be frustrating or that it will not happen, they give in to not using a condom, and then they “They regret it.”