The privilege - lines to her image
Privilege describes the advantages I have due to certain identity markers, which give me greater power and status and freedom of choice than those who do not.
Privilege describes the balance of power in a certain area, where everyone has privileged areas in different areas.
Privileges are usually not acquired by active action, but exist.
And there is nothing wrong with them, as long as you are not focused on preserving your privilege even at the cost of oppressing others.
Shame on you, you privilege
Is privilege something to be ashamed of?
hide it?
Depends on how you behave regarding your privileges.
The use of the word "privilege" as a derogatory word has become a trend, but it gives a one-dimensional interpretation of the concept, as if it were necessarily people who are disconnected from reality.
A distinct Israeli example can be the practice of teasing the residents of Tel Aviv and calling them "cafe dwellers and espresso drinkers" as if they were carefree people.
It's not only stereotypical, it's also attributing a negative value to the economic possibility of sitting in a cafe.
I am?
Privilege?
No way!
There are two basic situations in which people do not recognize their privilege: lack of awareness or the denial of the privilege, meaning that even when a person's attention is drawn to his relative advantage, he refuses to admit it and even attacks those who claim this and names himself as a victim.
Perhaps the difficulty in admitting an advantage over others stems from the discomfort of knowing that I have it easier, that I have privileges, or from the fear that my achievements will not be appreciated because of my privilege.
Self is built from our ability to feel worthy of our achievements.
Privileges do not necessarily make our lives easier, privilege does not guarantee happiness or success.
It gives a windfall or an advantage, but not all the privileged are successful in the area where they have an advantage.
Jacob Dylan, Bob Dylan's son, is just one example.
Privileged and the rest of the common people
One of the television scenes that accurately describes the difficulty of the privileged to give up their relative advantage, takes place in the first season of "The White Lotus": Nicole Mosbacher, a white, careerist woman, who holds a senior position in a large high-tech company, argues to her daughter Olivia and her friend Paula that they must consider their young son Kevin, Olivia's brother, because of the "difficulties he experienced" - due to being a young, white, straight man.
That is, Nicole grew up in a privileged world where the qualities she mentioned are a relative advantage over the rest, and like many others, she sees the social change that tries to correct the inequality as an injustice to the privileged, who got used to their privileges and now they have to fight for their place in the world, like the rest of the common people.
Apparently, of course.
The problem with privilege arises when people are blind to their privilege, do not see the relative advantage they have gained, and are unwilling to recognize that most people have their own greater challenge in the same field.
One of the concepts that has become popular recently is progressive trolling.
How is this related?
Those who want to preserve their privileged status and deny their advantage, will call any attempt (that does not serve them) to create a more inclusive and diverse society, which also gives opportunities to those who are not privileged - a progressive troll.
Admitting privileges - why is it important?
Privilege is not a concept designed to make people feel guilty or devalue their achievements.
What is important is to admit the privileges you have, to have real and honest relationships, which are the basis of the feeling of happiness, and no less important - to be able to work for equal opportunities for those who have received a smaller basket of privileges.
If for you equality is just a nice concept to hang on Bristol to decorate the walls of the fourth grade 3, you are welcome to stop reading the column now.
But most humans are social creatures, and as a result want to think of themselves as fair and moral, and also long for people to think they are.
This is the key component of healthy self-worth.
When we don't admit privilege and don't do due diligence about it, it misleads and hurts others.
Much of the resentment and anger between people, between groups and between countries - originates from the denial of privileges.
My list of privileges
I am white, straight, I have light and smooth hair and light eyes, I have a physical ability of Tapu Hamsa, I am married and we have two sources of income.
All these are absolute privileges.
There are also relative privileges: I am relatively young and in a relatively privileged economic situation compared to some people, and inferior compared to others.
The privilege of leaning
I make a decent living at home.
There are periods when I am the main breadwinner, there are months when we are equal.
In 2006 I decided to quit my job as an employee and try my luck as a freelancer.
I always believed that independence is only for the rich, because I don't have the privilege to take risks and not have a stable income.
Without the privilege of leaning on Leon financially at the beginning, knowing that he is the safety net until the business stabilizes - I could not have done it.
The race for an apartment
I and Leon own a four-room apartment in Hod Hasharon.
with a mortgage.
If we didn't receive an initial amount of money from our parents - we wouldn't be able to buy it without changing our lifestyle.
We don't spend time in luxury restaurants and we don't buy brand name clothes, but we go abroad once or twice a year for a fun vacation, we eat out, the girls are enrolled in classes and we have help with the housework. All of this wouldn't happen if we were suffocating under a bigger mortgage, because we Relying on our monthly income, we don't have the two components that are considered the soul burden of anyone who wants to break away from the rat race of livelihood: passive income and yielding assets.
Privileged mentors
Is it appropriate for me to give my insights on buying an apartment for a young couple without initial financial support, because we got help from our parents?
Does my privilege deny me the right to advise or inspire?
A really good question.
Are privileged persons prevented from advising in the area of their privilege?
Can rich people give financial advice?
Can people with a thin genetic physique give advice on diets?
Can my friend, who does not depend on her job for her livelihood, advise me on the right balance between home and work?
The question concerns me even more since the outbreak of social networks, because I encounter the multitudes of mentors for success, who give advice on how to build a business, how to develop self-confidence and how to close deals at the right price, without making due disclosure regarding the benefits that the universe has given them.
the privilege to advise
If you want to teach others how to behave, you have moral obligations, the first of which is to assert privilege.
Can I flaunt the feathers of "we did it, we bought an apartment, so you can too?"
And sell my advice to anyone?
Definately not!
This is what privileged blindness looks like.
If I don't declare the excess rights I have compared to the person I pretend to give a recommendation to, if I don't acknowledge his difficulty which is different and bigger than mine - I can't advise him anything.
For a while I followed an influencer who claimed to teach how to run a business, and prided herself on turning down job offers that weren't accurate to the "business vision".
Then I came across an article in which she was interviewed, and it turned out that she was the scion of a rich family and that her partner had made an exit.
It's easy to be "accurate" when you're not jeopardizing your ability to pay the rent.
Want to become a financial mentor?
No problem, as long as you live - do due diligence.
Why don't I have a decorated office?
I learned firsthand how much an image of success without transparency can damage one's self-image.
At the beginning of my independent journey, when I was looking for circles of freelancers to draw inspiration from, I met women who maintained a superbly designed website, sat in a spacious office with beautiful furniture, and all this with a client base like mine or even smaller.
It made me wonder what they do better than me.
How is it that I work around the clock, and the budget allows me a tiny office with a couch that I replaced in the living room and Leon's former desk.
How do they manage to pay rent, pay suppliers, and also leave something to support themselves, and also meet in a cool cafe to fill up with energy.
I wanted to join, but I couldn't afford to give up precious hours of work before the girls returned from kindergarten.
I felt that something was wrong with the way I behaved.
It's a fact that they manage to maintain this whole delicate economic structure, and also keep to leisure time - and I don't.
I started asking direct questions and found out what I couldn't see, as long as they didn't tell.
I asked one of them how much the rent is that she pays, then she said that it is an office that belongs to the family so they "support her".
How happy I was to hear that she doesn't pay rent, property tax, house council, electricity, water, cleaning of the office, refreshments, office equipment.
It helped me understand that I'm not behaving badly, but that she doesn't have to cover the expenses she doesn't have, so of course she can go to a coffee shop in the morning.
Once she acknowledged my privilege, it validated the diversity of the challenges we faced, and the next time I had to turn down a tempting offer to spend a morning at a coffee shop, I knew I was not less organized, but less privileged.
"Paula, just slow down a little"
In the last decade I have been working a lot of hours.
It's my choice, I enjoy doing it professionally.
Obviously, sometimes I get tired, and I'm still at peace with the choice.
Before the career, the most significant thing for me is the girls and Leon.
From this it follows that my life consists mainly of home and work.
I don't have much free time for social gatherings.
Over the years there were friends who criticized me for this choice.
"Paula, slow down a bit, you don't need to work so much. Take more days for yourself, it's important to meet with friends, you're really not available."
It made me feel like something was wrong with me.
How do others manage to meet with friends at least once a week and I don't get to it at all?
How do they live at a similar standard of living to mine, and still maintain free time for social gatherings every week?
I recognized the difference that no one likes to talk about: those who have fewer financial worries, who come from more established families, are also those who manage to maintain a more extensive leisure life during the intense life period of small children, a career and running a home.
Those who cannot ask their parents to cover the shortfall, who do not receive funding from the family for the summer vacation and who have to pay a mortgage - will always have to give up something: either the standard of living or time with the family or the leisure culture.
There is no secret formula, and whoever tells you that "it's all a matter of priorities" does not admit the fact that he is more privileged.
When you realize that the problem is neither you nor them - but the lack of transparency - it will give you peace of mind and prevent frustration.
Thanks to this understanding, I've learned to filter out such feedback, and I'm willing to hear advice on "breathing" and "slowing down" only from people in a similar financial situation to mine, facing similar challenges.
People whose level of income does not affect their lifestyle will never be able to fully understand the considerations of those who depend on their livelihood to live.
point.
I don't want to be blind to the advantages I have over others, but equally I don't want them to be blind to the advantages others have over me.
I'm not ready to give up summer vacation and I'm not ready to give up couples therapy.
For that to happen, Leon and I need to bust our ass.
That's what there is.
Our privilege is that we love our work.
And if someone wants to come and claim that he has another solution, let him prove that he is not privileged.
"Inspiring" people on the networks, who tell how they are able to exercise four times a week, even though they have three or four small children at home and an independent business, but forget to mention that they have a lot of help in the household, that there is an Oprah at home that takes care of the children, that someone cooks for them - this is a lie coarse.
Because then many women feel that they are not good enough, and after they write to a mentor that she is inspiring, the truth is that she is more jealous than inspiring - because she talks to her followers as if they are in the same situation, but it is absolutely not true.
For my peace of mind, I no longer believe in people who teach me how to live without admitting their privileges.
I recommend you to do like me.
The weekly drawing for the child: can you identify which privileges are hidden in the picture?
Do this to me:
Two extremely talented Israeli singers.
In the last year I have been conducting a self-project of expanding the scope of my musical playlist, and I am discovering magical treasures.
1. Omer Moshkowitz - the song "Advice" and its perfect video talk about exactly what I wrote in the column: "You need luck, you need money, you need the skin of an elephant, you need to qualify".
2. Dida Pelled - Israeli singer and creator who works in New York and sings in English with a mesmerizing voice and beautiful songs.
I recommend listening to "Showgirls".
Info@paulanatural.co.il
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