"Thank you, goodbye, kisses"
I returned from a lecture to which I took a taxi so that I could work on the way back.
I got out of the taxi, while I'm on the phone with the event manager of Leon's surprise party that happened the next day and make sure with him that there will be gluten-free dishes at the food stands.
I knew I had to hurry, because I had to go home, give medicine to Gretel, our dog who had a heart failure a few days before, be in time to pick up Arbali from school, drop her off at the club and not forget to take a box with food for her, because it's already lunch time, return home for the meeting Zoom in and go over January's invoices with the bookkeeper, and that I have an hour for all of this before I have to pick her up from class back home.
This was the situation.
Then I said to the surprised driver: "Thank you, goodbye, kisses."
That was the moment I realized that the load on my brain had reached the limit and I was talking about an automaton.
Life is busy.
I will not be the first or the last to write the self-evident fact, the question is not even what to do with it - but why do we burden ourselves with so much instead of giving up what is unnecessary?
Mental stress - not just a trendy phrase
The burden is not only the tasks themselves, but perhaps mainly the thoughts and feelings accompanying the hundreds and thousands of tasks we do, in recent years researchers have finally given it a name: mental burden.
This expression has become very trendy in Ted lectures and corporate workshops, but it is not a passing trend.
In my opinion, this is real news, because it gives a name and objective justifications to an experience that millions of people felt and did not know how to name.
And yes, you guessed it: millions of people, especially women.
The psychological sciences of medicine already proved many years ago the relief that the patient feels when he gives a name to the pain he feels, when he knows that there is a concept that defines his experience.
And that's how I felt when I first read about mental overload.
For those who have not yet read or heard about it, mental load refers to the cognitive effort and emotional work required to manage the various tasks and responsibilities of daily life.
That is, not the effort required to carry out the task itself, but the mental and emotional effort required to manage the schedules in which the tasks themselves will be carried out, the mental effort to determine the order of meetings to prioritize them, to refuse some of them, the multiple decisions on the delegation of authority and the emotional work involved in managing relationships, family and professional dynamics, and social expectations that we hold in the background of this entire complex system.
The mental load also refers to the fear or anxiety that we will not be able to juggle everything that is assigned to us.
The emotional work of managing everyone's needs can be just as taxing as the physical tasks.
Some people it is their nature, to always be full of tasks.
I'm sure you know those who, even on vacations, manage an intense schedule and not only are they not stressed by the load, but enjoy it and feel comfortable in their company. There are others who want to reduce the load, but are unable to, for all kinds of reasons that I will list right away.
It's not the load, but the feeling in front of it
I personally have always been busy.
Or in the words of my friend of 36 years, Inbar: "Even when we were children in elementary school, you always had a schedule."
In my case it is unequivocally not a personality structure.
I mean, I don't like being busy.
I always felt that I was caught in the rush situation because I like to rest.
I like to slow down, but I feel guilty when I do.
It is true that I have a fast and intense tempo, but my workload is greater than the pace I would like it to be.
If you also feel that the burden you live in is much greater than you would like or wish for, this column is for you.
If you are disappointed by the level of intensity of your life, then read the column to understand the experience of your loved ones.
Most of my life I thought the title "busy" was only positive.
Because he is what made me believe that I'm hardworking, that I'm productive, that I don't indulge, don't get lazy, don't waste time for nothing.
I was not aware of the prices charged by overload.
Between myself, I judged those who would say: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't have time to volunteer to organize the school graduation party", or "I can't take on another project, I'm busy with work".
I held the belief that everything is a matter of desire, that if you want enough and don't indulge yourself - everything can be accomplished.
Busy have more fun? Do not believe
After the big trip to South America, I worked in a consulting company as a junior manager of operational projects.
One of the senior managers was a married woman, mother of three children.
She was considered very professional, and I looked up to her with great respect.
One day, while I was sitting in her room and she was guiding me towards a big project, she got a call from one of the children's school and asked if she would agree to be one of the mothers organizing the graduation party.
She said yes, hung up, looked at me and said: "Just so you know Paula, the more tasks I have to do, the more I am enough, the more time I feel I have."
There are sentences like this, that a person said to you at a random moment, but you carry them in your mind years later, that's how I am with the sentence she said to me at that moment.
For years, every time I wanted to say that I don't have time, I remembered our conversation and didn't allow myself to push off more commitment and more responsibility.
This has changed in recent years.
Today I admire people who know how to say "no" without going into detail, people who don't answer daily WhatsApp messages and don't apologize.
I understand that this is not laziness or self-indulgence, nor is it a lack of care or contempt for others, it is simply self-preservation, or what is called in English Self Care and the proper term in Hebrew has not yet been invented.
It hurts to prioritize, but it hurts
The last few weeks have been unusually busy, even relative to myself.
I'm going to give you the details, ready?
While continuing the normal life, I produced a surprise party for Leon in honor of his 50th birthday.
My expectations of myself were high, 50 years after all.
I racked my brain and finally found a concept, closed a place, organized a street poll with the one and only genius Dodo Erez, wrote an investigation about Leon's life, prepared guest lists, produced an artistic program with Leon's favorite songs.
At the same time, as Murphy loves, unexpected organizational changes took place in my business and I am still in the process of hiring a new office manager during one of the periods loaded with requests for lectures in preparation for Women's Day.
During all of this, when I thought I was overloaded, the editor-in-chief of the publisher called and said that she wanted to submit the book I was writing for a scholarship, and that I should send her my resume as soon as possible (I haven't written a resume in over a decade!), at least one chapter of the book And also to write a few words about the importance of the book I am writing.
When I thought it was impossible,
Our beloved dog Gretel had a heart attack and I found myself organizing the surprise party, editing the pages of the book to send to the editor, and managing an overlap for a new employee - from the veterinary emergency center while sitting next to Gretel's oxygen cage.
At the same time as all this, you have to cook and run a washing machine and drive the girls to classes and lead a daily program and write a column.
Last week I called the editor of this magazine and told her that I would not be able to write because I am overloaded, I felt the physical pain in my body when I informed her that I was giving up the weekly column.
Prioritizing and giving up is really painful and difficult.
I felt the physical pain in my body when I informed her that I was giving up the weekly column.
Prioritizing and giving up is really painful and difficult.
I felt the physical pain in my body when I informed her that I was giving up the weekly column.
Prioritizing and giving up is really painful and difficult.
also a smile of relief,
30 years of treatment in one paragraph
For many years I have been trying to crack the question: why do I burden myself much more than what I can contain and do calmly?
Even though I like leisure and rest, even though I much more enjoy tasks when they are done relatively calmly?
I paid the best psychologists to process the question, read hundreds of books and articles and studies, and listened to lectures by experts.
To sum up all the hours of self-research for you in one paragraph: the reasons for this are intertwined, of course, in childhood.
At that time I developed a fear of being labeled as spoiled or lazy, and I escape from this labeling by overdoing it.
Because of the guilt and shame underlying the experience, it is difficult for me to accurately gauge the moment when the bucket is full and any additional task will cause it to overflow.
That is, my inner attacker who recognizes that I am overloaded and lacking, I don't always believe that I can't do more, and therefore overload more and more.
This is the core of the other factors, which I once thought were the basis: it is true that it is difficult for me to say no, it is true that I have financial anxiety, it is true that I am ambitious, it is true that it is difficult for me to disappoint others, it is true that I tend to take responsibility even for what does not belong to me, this It is true that I am very maternal in my nature, it is also true that I have a hypersensitivity to helplessness and a desire to help, and it is also true that I have an attention deficit disorder that sometimes sabotages my ability to prioritize what is important over what is less, all of this is true - but at the root of all of this is inner validity fragile
Today is much less fragile than it used to be, thanks to the recognition of this.
When we believe in ourselves, our feelings, what causes us suffering, we are less shaken by the attempts of others to convince us that we must do something.
When our self-worth does not depend only on others confirming that we are hardworking, but believing that we are hardworking even when we are resting, then there is less chance that we will burden ourselves beyond what is desired.
Are you all happy with me?
I often find myself busy with questions: Did Sheila and Arbel eat enough at lunch?
Did I give one of the girls enough attention after she shared an embarrassing moment at school?
Is Leon alert enough to drive back from Tel Aviv at a late hour?
Was I interested enough when he told me about a frustrating experience yesterday?
Did we remember to leave enough water for the cats before we left?
Was I interested enough in the producer's well-being before I left the studio?
When was the last time I called my mother to ask if she was safe?
Did I call to say thank you to the author who sent me her book?
Part of the mental load comes from the thought that I have to constantly check if the needs of others have been met.
This may seem like an afterthought to them.
But no, it stems from a fear of what they will think of me - am I worthy enough.
All of these tasks require a significant amount of emotional energy and can cause overwhelm and a feeling of exhaustion - before we've even begun to perform practical tasks.
It is not just the act of doing things for others, but the constant need to be attuned to their needs and feelings.
When our internal validity is stable enough and we believe that we are worthy even if we don't tune in to others all the time, the mental load decreases.
I feel it in my flesh.
Psychological studies have found that there are other factors that cause people to take on beyond their capacity, including a tendency to perfectionism and setting standards that are too high, a false comparison to other people and a belief that they are trying harder than us, as well as a lack of assertiveness and the inability to ask for help.
Lots of clichés, but true
Leon's surprise party was very successful.
Gretel is out of the hospital and her heart is holding up thanks to a lot of medication, my business is slowly getting on the new track.
But above all, this period taught me that I can't afford to dwell so much on my feelings of guilt.
As for occupying myself, then with what I like: a good series, a good movie, a walk in the pastoral fields of Hod Hasharon or a meeting with friends.
In the long hours of sitting by Gretel's oxygen cage, the Sisyphean monitoring of her efforts to introduce oxygen into her body, as the veterinary hospital's angelic resuscitation team performs resuscitations, some of which succeed and some of which do not.
All of these sharpened to me even more the fact that no one can breathe in our place, if we don't take care of ourselves.
The preparations for Leon's birthday and the review of his photos from his childhood until today, sharpened another true cliché for me: time that passes does not come back.
If I continue to fill it with thousands of tasks that I don't want, but I don't like refusing them - no one will compensate me for it.
What really helped me get through these ultra-busy days is my mindfulness app, which is exactly for people like me, who need guided five-minute breaks, look for one of the apps, find one you connect to and just force yourself to do these breaths for five minutes a day.
It works.
And another thing that helped me: cry.
Much.
I cried by Gretel's cage when the vets said they weren't optimistic, and I cleaned the stress out of my body.
Meanwhile Gretel recovered, and now she rests.
There are people walking among us who for years have not allowed themselves to recover, but refuse to show us how hard it is for them to breathe, how exhausted their hearts are.
No need to wait for heart failure.
You should prioritize us long before that
were we wrong
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