Sometimes, we can be our worst judges, looking back it is possible to evaluate our mistakes and that in which we can continue to improve. But what is the limit when it is our partner who makes a criticism about us? Even more so when the new generations affirm that kindness and empathy matter more than appearance.
Just as it is possible to raise our ideas and work on our disagreements without offending the other, it is also essential to understand when and why we feel that we can criticize some action or decision of our partner. In that sense, with the excuse of "wanting to be honest", we could be committing a "sincericide".
The psychoanalyst and couples therapist Irene Fuks (M.N. 19899) clarifies in dialogue with Clarín the dangers of "a sincericide" from the very origin of this term: "The word sincericide is a condensation between 'sincerity' and 'suicide' or also between 'sincerity' and 'homicide', therefore, it already speaks of something of what is being done in that action, It's not about sincerity, something deadly is at stake." It is, in short, the pretext for using the word as a weapon.
Beyond the popularity with which this term is used when someone "speaks without filters", in what links this practice is not about any game.
For Fuks, "sincericide" is not based on sincerity, but "something deadly is at stake." (Photo: illustration Shutterstock)
"Many times, under the argument of 'I am frontal, I am transparent, I go straight ahead and say things as they are', many people go through life impulsively saying the first thing that comes to mind, without stopping to analyze how what I am saying can affect the other," reflects psychologist and sexologist Erika Salinas (M.N. 47399).
Salinas points out to this media that one of the keys before issuing a comment with critical tones is to "ask ourselves: what I am going to say, does it add?, is it necessary?, does it contribute something?". Just as it is healthy and expected that there are disagreements, pointing to what the other "is" or "is not" ends up qualifying him and can hurt him.
What about "constructive criticism"
One of the dangers of unsolicited criticism is that it arises under the idea that we think we know what is best for the other. (Photo: illustration Shutterstock)
However, sometimes, there is talk of "constructive criticism" in romantic ties. If in other areas and under different codes people seek returns on their performance, when it comes to the couple it is important to understand that "sincericide" cannot be confused or wielded under these guidelines.
"What's called 'constructive criticism' is something disguised as another, isn't it? It's a disguise, there's a belief that this is constructive, but maybe I'm hurting the other person or I'm trying to get them to see something they can't see right now," Fuks says.
The psychoanalyst has seen certain patterns for more than a decade in the Subjective space, which she directs with her colleague and husband, and explains that one of the dangers of this practice is that it is based on the belief that the critic "owns the truth and knows what is good for the other." The other risk is that this practice becomes normalized.
"This kind of thing is always an act of violence because I try to impose on the other something that is mine: some idea or some ideal or some way of seeing the world and the ways of seeing the world are always personal," says the psychoanalyst.
How to ask and give opinions without falling into "sincericide"
Exchanging ideas is a way of accompanying that can be done healthily without hurting or cataloguing the other person. (Photo: illustration Shutterstock)
Now, what happens if the other asks for my opinion on certain issues? In general, the look of our partner is not indifferent to us. For this reason, Fuks considers that when one of the members requests it: "One can say 'from my point of view' or 'I tell you this, but you will have to think about what you want'. If the other opens the door to you, you probably have a certain place to give your opinion, because the other has confidence in you or because he knows that the opinion can be valuable or that you can have a good judgment to say something. "
This criterion, emphasizes the psychoanalyst, does not enable the person to hurt the other, that would be the opposite of expressing oneself from affection. "Giving words to one's partner, asking how one would do it or what vision one has is a way of accompanying. And it is one thing for one to accompany or respond to those things and quite another for one to impose on the other his own perspective of life or things."
Salinas agrees and maintains that being clear about the "how" and the "why" is fundamental, however well-intentioned some statements may seem to us. Moreover, the specialist (on Instagram, @psi.erika.salinas) suggests that, before issuing an opinion of this type, consider whether the other person can do something to remedy the situation. When this is not the case, he says, "criticism leaves the other in a position of total impossibility, between a rock and a hard place, which completely nullifies and anguish."
When you criticize and the other person cannot do something to change the situation, anguish is generated in her. (Photo: illustration Shutterstock)
Some of the recommendations that Salinas points out when expressing disagreements with our partner.
Never use hurtful words. This is a form of abuse.
- Be flexible, understand and respect that there are other points of view different from ours.
Respecting and understanding that each person thinks differently is essential to have a healthy relationship. (Photo: illustration Shutterstock)
Evaluate when it is the right time to express our opinion.
- Understand that it is not always necessary to say what we think.
In addition, the sexologist and psychologist stresses: "There is no context that justifies emotional or verbal abuse. If in a relationship we feel ashamed, hurt, judged or pressured... We are clearly in an abusive relationship, abusive to our person, our values, affections and needs."
If some models of coexistence, marriage and exclusivity were taken as universal several decades ago, today they are under the magnifying glass and, fortunately, violent dynamics are no longer normalized.
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