It was a baptism of fire. And you won't cut it any longer. Your lover has been in a relationship for some time and suggests that you celebrate Christmas at his or her parents' house. An invitation that is not insignificant: this is often how you formalize a lasting bond with your loved ones. But for the lucky one, it's also an opportunity to discover that no, not all Christmases go like they do at mom and dad's. Determined to make a good impression, the "add-ons" will have to make the effort to welcome everything with grace.
To avoid any mishaps, Charlotte, 27, who has been in a relationship with Thomas for four years, carefully prepared her fiancé for his first Christmas with his family. "To avoid mistakes in taste, I had chosen his clothes and he went to the hairdresser," explains the young woman. Well briefed on the topics not to be discussed – politics and money – Thomas was unanimously accepted. "He did well, he smiled, he was in everyone's right direction and his natural discretion helped a lot as well. My parents told me he was 'very well behaved.'" Thomas, on the other hand, found it to be a lot of preparation and stress for a simple family moment.
But it was still less challenging than Charlotte's first Christmas in Thomas' family the following year. The party turned into a fight between her fiancé and his brother. "I didn't take sides, because it could have gotten out of hand. I think my in-laws were grateful. Thomas would have liked me to support him. He decided that we wouldn't go back for the holidays. It was my first Christmas with them, it will be my last."
"Crazy pressure!"
For Eliane too, it was disillusionment. About twenty years ago, she was looking forward to spending her first Christmas with her in-laws in Provence. At the time, she and her boyfriend were due to announce their engagement. "Little did we know there would only be four of us: my in-laws, my husband-to-be and me. Maybe to make a good impression, I had spoiled my in-laws: a cashmere tablecloth and sweater for my mother-in-law, a good whisky and a weekly planner with cotton lisle socks for my father-in-law... I was completely out of step: my only gift was a mini-bottle of olive oil. I imagined a Christmas identical to mine with candles, a real staging. It was a huge disappointment!" Éliane warns: "Improvisation has no place at Christmas. It's better to know how it's going to go before you go."
"No matter how much you have been warned, you don't really know in advance what will shock your spouse," says Tanguy, a Parisian executive who joined his in-laws in 2016 at the age of 29 after two years of relationship with Élise, a young journalist three years his junior. Determined to behave like the ideal future son-in-law when he arrives at his father-in-law's house, he offers to help in the kitchen and gets down to cutting the carrots. "I was rebuked by the grandmother and aunt: 'It's not okay at all, that's not how you cut carrots. I'm going to make you a boss." So I was shown how to cut a carrot into thirds, with the right circumference. It's a crazy amount of pressure!" An anecdote that still makes him laugh and that doesn't stop him from returning with pleasure for the holidays.
As for his wife's mother – her in-laws are divorced – Christmas is even more wacky. "They gave a theme: George Sand's Christmas. On the WhatsApp group, messages scroll by: "Musset and Balzac are caught, hurry up boys!" I'm not sure I understand: should we dress up? Is an accessory enough? What is an accessory that represents Musset?"
What about eating habits? "In my house, everyone participates," says Louise, 45. Whereas in my in-laws, it's the matriarch who does everything. None of the men in the house got up to clear even their plate. I was torn between being a guest and wanting to help my mother-in-law. I tried to make an in-between. Except to get rid of my father-in-law's plate: it was beyond my strength!"
Prepare "like a work appointment"
"The first Christmas in the in-laws is like a work appointment. To make a good impression, you need to do some research beforehand, recommends Marie de Tilly, an etiquette expert and @comtessemarie on Tik Tok. What is the dress code? How will the evening unfold? Is it a big dinner? Do we go to Mass? Which side is the family on?" But even with these small precautions, it's better to remember that at Christmas, anything can happen.
Isabelle, a dynamic mother, remembers as if it were yesterday her first Christmas at her in-laws' house, when she was a very young woman of 20 years old. "There was a huge argument before the meal between my father-in-law and my mother-in-law. She tried to strangle him with pantyhose. Thirty years later, we're still talking about it." Beyond this dark affair, it was the first time Isabelle had celebrated Christmas outside of her family. "But at home, in Provence, everything revolves around midnight mass. We dine on soup, we go to church and on the way out, we drink hot chocolate, we savor the thirteen desserts. At my husband's house, it's all about meals. New Year's Eve with foie gras and champagne, I'd seen it in the advertisements, but I didn't understand how you could have Christmas without putting religion at the centre of the celebration."
Humour and perspective
You've been warned. For those who still want to make a good impression, Marie de Tilly advises giving a "big box of quality chocolates" to the person or couple who is entertaining. And to avoid giving a pricey gift to your lover in front of all the cousins who are going to exchange scented candles: "It's very embarrassing for others: it's better to give very large gifts during moments together."
The etiquette expert advises the new son-in-law or daughter-in-law to take an interest in everyone, not to talk too much about yourself, to respond in a diplomatic way. "We don't show our disagreements, but we don't have to think everything is great. There's no point in overdoing it, it rings false. The best thing is to be an enriching person, who brings a little positive touch to the evening."
As for the new in-laws, they are advised not to bombard the newcomer with questions, and to avoid denigrating the chosen one of his or her heart by bringing up a few embarrassing family anecdotes. "You have to take an interest in him, but you have to be discreet and skilful," says Marie de Tilly. The idea is to make him feel comfortable." So this is also not the time to ask intimate or painful questions. In short, "you need humour, perspective and not putting yourself forward. Just because you're entertaining doesn't mean you're the most formidable family on earth. Everything has to be light, like champagne bubbles."