Falling into the arms of Morpheus is one of the great problems of our society, with stress, the pace of life and unhealthy habits being the main causes why so many people suffer from occasional or chronic sleep disorders, something that not only has an impact on lack of rest, but also affects the immune system. cardiovascular, metabolic, muscular and nervous. The usual thing in Western societies is for couples to share a bed, which thus becomes a kind of symbol of the condition of a couple, of the commitment to the relationship and of the desire for shared intimacy, so when we talk about problems of incompatibility as sleep partners, relationships are weakened.
The Divorce of the Dream
What happens when the reason for poor sleep quality, far from being anxiety or problems, is the partner? "I am a fervent advocate of what I call 'voluntary nocturnal separation', which is couples sleeping in separate rooms to ensure their much-needed sleep and rest in our day-to-day lives. Sometimes we believe that sleeping apart can spoil the relationship, but we should look for other moments during the day to show affection and affection and have those moments of sex outside of bedtime, when both members of the couple may already be tired from an intense day. If we talk about snoring, it is always necessary to rule out that the couple does not suffer from sleep apnea in order to treat it, since once in treatment, couples can continue to sleep together," says Nuria Roure, a psychologist specializing in sleep disorders.
"When we don't sleep well, our emotional state is altered, that is, we are more irritable, more anxious, with more mood swings and less empathetic and tolerant, and that is usually suffered by the people closest to us: our children and our partners. I'm sure that many arguments, fights and even divorces are due to not having a good sleep. So, let's think: What is it that can spoil the relationship, not resting sleeping together, with the negative consequences of the day, or sleeping apart at night after having affective-sexual relations and having a good relationship with your partner during the day?" he asks. "Sleeping as a couple is beautiful and beautiful. In a micro-awakening, you turn around and find your partner, hug each other, and continue sleeping, the two of you together. If that's the scenario, there's no problem. The problem arises when reality isn't so pretty, and then it's better to sleep apart," says Roure.
Faced with this idea, the so-called "sleep divorce" emerges, the one that couples bet on by couples who sleep in separate beds or even in different rooms to avoid sleep problems and, therefore, relational problems. The Better Sleep Council's Sleep and Partners Research 2023 study indicates that while the majority of those in a relationship and live with their partner say they sleep better at night together, a quarter say they sleep better alone. Although sleeping with a partner can intensify feelings of attachment and love, it can also negatively affect sleep quality, which can cause problems in the relationship. By the way: Melania Trump and Donald Trump sleep in separate rooms, and according to the biography 'Elizabeth the Queen: The Life of a Modern Monarch', Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip slept separately, something quite common among the British aristocracy, as Lady Pamela Hicks, the prince's cousin, explained toWoman and Home: "In England, The upper class has always had separate dormitories," he said.
Selfishness? to get a good night's sleep
There are also proponents of the Scandinavian method, which consists of sharing a mattress, but with two different duvets. "Sleeping in bed with someone else doesn't magically transform us into some kind of two-headed monster. We are still two individuals. It is liberating to remember this fact. It's very easy to assume that everyone uses only one duvet, because that's what we've always seen," say the creators of Scandinavia Standard, a website that explains the benefits of the Scandinavian lifestyle and defends the power of each partner having their own duvet.
"The bed is a very significant space in terms of intimacy and in terms of couples, and that's why separate blankets or duvets can threaten that sense of unity or intimacy because of the cultural standard we set for ourselves, but the most important thing about sleep is getting a good night's sleep. Sleep is the most selfish thing you can do. And we know that if one partner in a relationship sleeps poorly one night, lacks empathy, has more arguments, and has more negative feelings toward their partner the next day. That's not a recipe for a happy relationship. When you sleep, prioritize your sleep! The rest of the time, prioritize your relationship," Neil Stanley, author of How To Sleep Well, told Refinery29.
Raquel Marin Cruzado, author of 'Feed sleep for a healthy brain', points out that it must be taken into account that the temperature of the cabin, the type of mattress or even the type of pillow can be incompatible between two people who sleep together. "When we talk about incompatible schedules, it is even more important to respect chronotypes, particularly with people who have night jobs. Precisely by the mere fact of having a job in the evenings, sleep disorders intensify. If you add to that the handicap of having light or auditory pollution in the phases of deep sleep, insomnia is served, and with it, a definite decrease in mood and general quality of life. This also affects libido, so you can get into a vicious circle of diminishing the quality of relationships," he says. "When I talk about this with my students in my program, 'I finally sleep', I always recommend that together, with your partner, you agree on a time to go to bed together to have that "hugging" moment and once that moment is over, the person with chronotype or more nocturnal schedules gets out of bed and the other person, with a more morning schedule, stay in bed to be able to sleep," says Nuria Roure.
To spend a good night, in short, you may not always have to do it as a couple. Will the spoon's days be numbered?