The Dictators of Duel

The Internet doesn't respect the dead. Those of us who spend more time on social media than we would like know this. A much-loved celebrity dies and, immediately afterwards, we end up flooded with posts in which other public and lesser-known figures exhibit their loss with photos and videos, memories in which, almost always, the self of the living person is above that of the one who has just left. More than a communal funeral, other deaths feel like a chaotic rave of "as much peace as rest you leave." It happens when the biography of the deceased person was intimately linked to exploitation or abuse of power, either by colonial inheritance or by embracing a cruel, misogynistic or racist ideology. We will see few tears there. Your scroll will be an adrenaline-pumping geyser of memes and phrases so wild that your laughter freezes when you understand that this nervous laughter could take you straight to hell.

The cast of 'Friends' broke their silence in a joint statement following the devastating passing of their co-star and friend, Matthew Perry, over the weekend.

"We are all so utterly devastated by the loss of Matthew. We were more than just cast mates. We are a family."

🔗 :... pic.twitter.com/irVlob1nqB

— Entertainment Tonight (@etnow) October 30, 2023

Much mourned and sincere, Matthew Perry's farewell was not like that of the latter, but it has put the dictators of grief in formation. The actor, known for playing Chandler Bing on Friends, was found dead Saturday at his home in Los Angeles. He was 54. The fact that none of his castmates made his loss visible on their networks aroused the worst in the referees of the penalty. "A DEP [rest in peace] costs nothing," read some posts about the (non-)updates from Jennifer Aniston (Rachel), Courteney Cox (Monica), Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe), David Schwimmer (Ross) and Matt LeBlanc (Joey). In the economy of hyper-surveillance, these moralistic tyrants never rest, eager to play the dirtiest game on the system. Such was the social pressure over this "surprising silence" that, two days later, the five performers signed a joint statement that they sent to the press. "We are absolutely devastated by the loss of Matthew. We were more than just co-stars. We are a family. There's a lot to say, but now let's take a moment to grieve and process this unfathomable loss. In time we will say more, when we can," they said in a text that never needed to be sent or justified.

The Friends actors have been silent in the face of Matthew Perry's death (which honors them) instead of posting tear-jerking posts. The media echo saying that they "keep a surprising silence" as if the displays of pain on social media were always mandatory.

— Ada Nuño (@itsadasaurio) October 30, 2023

They were not the only ones forced to speak out under duress. In August, when actor Angus Cloud died at the age of 25 from an overdose, the dictators of grief once again drew their stick of grief: why didn't their Euphoria co-stars immediately upload tearful messages expressing their feelings about the loss? In the end, Zendaya spoke, "My heart goes out to his mother and family during this time and please be kind and patient. Grief is not the same for everyone," she elegantly wrote on Instagram, clarifying the unenforceable.

Zendaya, Hunter Schafer, and the rest of the Euphoria cast don't owe y'all a post about Angus Cloud by the way

— Principal Ava Coleman Stan (@1ux1isbon) August 1, 2023

The performance of death is as polysemic as it is cyclical in the virtual sphere. Now that the networks have made us believe that we know celebrities better than our own family, there are still those who impose the staging of pain in an exercise of failed telepathy. We are surrounded by dictators of mourning. People who, like pimps walking through wakes counting mourners, will demand how and when to exhibit your suffering. It's rubble that will throw you in your face for not making a flag of your pain or not saying a word. But silence doesn't always have to be political. "Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it," Joan Didion wrote. Hopefully a bot will tweet that phrase as an automatic response every time any other pain dictator opens their mouth.