Inma García and her boyfriend celebrated their fourth anniversary as a couple last Friday, March 13, precisely the day that Pedro Sánchez announced the state of alarm. She lives in Valencia, where she studies Psychology, and he has lived and worked in Alicante for a month and a half. As the week of March 16 she was going to have vacations at the university because of Las Fallas, the 24-year-old García's plan was to leave from Friday to spend those days with her boyfriend, 29. With the announcement of the president of the Government, the plan became unfeasible.
In the end, he did spend the weekend in Valencia, where he is registered, but they no longer considered seeing each other. "He works in a hospital and I live with my parents, who are at risk, it was not a good idea," Inma García explains to Verne by phone. Now he has returned to Alicante and they no longer know when they will meet again in person.
The speed with which everything changed last week meant that, although the quarantine was more or less expected, it caught many people on the wrong foot. Like Inma García and her boyfriend, many couples are spending each one in a different house.
Óscar Rodríguez, 37, and his girlfriend, 34, were half wondering whether to spend the quarantine together — not yet declared, but predictable — when the decree arrived and decided for them. He is in Madrid and she is in Tres Cantos. They both live in shared flats, so spending these weeks together wasn't "very viable," either, says Rodríguez, but he also admits that the surprise could have taken them backwards. "If just this weekend I had gone there or she had come to see me, maybe the situation would be different now," says the interviewee.
Now they have an undetermined number of weeks ahead in which they will not be able to see each other in person, something that can test the strongest couples. García confesses that he is afraid "of being psychologically ill when everything ends, that the relationship does not return to normal."
"Under this anomalous situation, very stressful situations are experienced with high levels of anxiety," explains psychologist Mireya Larín Salazar, head of the Department of Couples Therapy and Sexuality at Psicotools. Separation is an added challenge, so it is necessary to focus a lot on communication and try to make it "as effective, precise and positive as possible," says the expert.
One of the most important aspects is being open, trusting the couple with what they are feeling and "giving ourselves a break" if conflicts arise. In addition, the expert points out that it is necessary to try that the physical distance does not become emotional distance, for which she highlights the importance of self-care. Having a "physiological, psychological, social and emotional balance" as an individual will have a "positive" impact on the relationship, says Larín Salazar.
However, this balance is not always easy, especially if the situation of both partners is different. Inma García, the interviewee whose anniversary coincided with the announcement of the state of alarm, maintains that her life has completely turned around because she no longer leaves home, while that of her boyfriend, who is still going to work, has not changed so much. "When we start talking about the day to day, the routine, he does not understand my situation," he explains.
Communication yes, but without going over
Giving importance to communication does not mean that you have to be talking all the time. It is necessary to "oxygenate" the relationship because, if we dedicate all our social communication to our partner, says Larín Salazar, "laziness, fatigue and boredom may appear." For this reason, he recommends a daily contact, but planned. "Just as in these situations we can not forget the routines of grooming, work, friends and leisure despite being in isolation, we must also plan contacts with our partner if she is physically separated from us," he says.
That is what Mireia Cantero, 23, and her partner, Victor, 25, do. They live 10 minutes from each other and were used to seeing each other practically every day, but in the new situation it is as if they were thousands miles away. To communicate, they have a kind of schedule. "Something like that at such an hour each one is dedicated to his task and then we already make a video call or whatever," Cantero tells Verne by phone. They have also become fond of Netflix Party, an extension for Chrome that allows groups of people to see the same content at the same time on the streaming platform and comment on it through a chat.
But setting limits is not that easy, especially in these early days. Although most of the interviewees have not yet noticed too much change or a special stress on their life as a couple, they do acknowledge that they seek more (virtual) contact.
Óscar Rodríguez says that, if before they spoke once a day and something on WhatsApp, now they take advantage of it at lunchtime or on a morning break. And then, especially, at night. "For now it is more because of the shock of everything that is happening and the isolation itself that the distance we have," reflects the interviewee. He and his partner didn't see each other much during the week, so there isn't much change yet. "I guess when one, two weekends go by without us seeing each other it will be a little bit more difficult," he says.
They have not yet made a video call, they talk on the phone and WhatsApp, although Rodríguez admits that they will consider it because the tool "at least gives the possibility of feeling a little closer." Yes they have already felt the need to do it Claudia Rodrigo, 20, and her boyfriend, Pablo, 22, in Madrid and Zaragoza respectively. She, who says that at least she has the advantage of being used to a long-distance relationship and knowing that "there is life beyond" her boyfriend, says that they do not normally make video calls because she does not like it very much, but now she does. they do every day. In addition, they have begun to use the Nintendo Switch console, which allows Pinturillo (a kind of Pictionary) to be played online or with their friends, so that the day becomes "more enjoyable".
Sex takes a back seat
The quarantine also imposes on the couples who pass it separately a side effect: how they manage their sex life. At the moment, as they have been for a short time, they say that they have not yet addressed the issue, although Óscar Rodríguez believes that "maybe later" the conversation does come out.
"In sex you think, of course," admits Inma García, "but it depends on the importance you give it." The interviewee says that, when living apart, they had already gotten used to putting the topic aside a bit. The most complicated thing for her is the emotional level: "Not being able to hug him, not having him close as a refuge."
Claudia Rodrigo, the interviewee who has been with a distance relationship for the longest time, agrees. For her, sex "is not the most important thing." It is something that "is part of a relationship", but that you put aside when "you are aware that you are not going to see it". Of course, when the reunion occurs, "you take it with more desire." For her part, Mireia Cantero says that they have talked about it, yes, and they have decided "that each one more or less will manage on their own side".
Uncertainty and future plans
The quarantine has caused everyone to park or cancel plans. In addition to the aforementioned anniversary of Inma García and her boyfriend, Óscar Rodríguez and his partner were planning to take a trip one of these weeks (although they had not yet booked anything). Mireia Cantero and her boyfriend, meanwhile, were looking for a place to set up a law firm together and now they don't know when they will do it, if they do it.
The worst, everyone agrees, is uncertainty. "I am used to not seeing him," says Claudia Rodrigo, "but we are very organized and we usually know when we are going to see each other." Inma García, who is in her last year of Psychology, takes advice from her studies to cope with the situation. "It is important to focus on the day to day" and not think too much about the future, "on the uncertainty of how long it will last" or how these weeks will affect the relationship, he says.
However, most of them do speak of the future, of that moment they do not know when it will come when they can see each other again. "The first thing is that I'm going to give him a hug of at least ten minutes!" Exclaims Cantero. Óscar Rodríguez believes that it is something that we are all doing when talking to any loved one. "I think that everyone, when we can resume our normal lives, we are going to value things that perhaps were routine before," he says. Things like a dinner or a beer "will become extraordinary."
To know more...
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