Dana and Guy (pseudonyms), a couple in their 30s, came to the institute for treatment due to severe fights and relationship breakdowns.
According to Guy, "We don't stop fighting, even the smallest issue becomes explosive."
Dana, for her part, says: "Sometimes I no longer remember the reason why we started fighting. I mostly know that we know how to manage the fight and how to end it."
Are fights necessarily a negative thing in fights?
Why do we fail to speak nicely to each other in times of conflict?
And why do some of the quarrels become virulent, toxic and sometimes also lead to a separation of days and even weeks between spouses?
To explain how to resolve quarrels in a relationship, we first need to examine what are the issues around which couples fight and argue.
From many years of experience with thousands of couples, we know that there are seven main issues: 1. Trust problems (including betrayals), 2. The division of roles between the spouses in the family unit, 3. Conflicts arising from the relationship with the families of origin of each spouse, 4. Disputes about money, the household economy and "wastes", 5. Tensions that arise due to gaps in expectations regarding sexual relations, 6. Distance and erosion in the basis of marital relations, 7. The negative communication and the way of "managing the conflict" that accompany almost every fight, which in itself becomes the subject of an argument before himself.
A loving couple in bed (illustration), photo: Thinkstock Photos
Frictions and fights in relationships are a natural and normal matter.
As in any 24/7 relationship, fights in a relationship are also a natural and normal matter, and they are even a great tool for releasing anger, but endless wars and fights around at least one of these issues, may deteriorate the relationship.
And as you know, if the problem is not dealt with, the relationship may quickly end in a complete disconnection - and even divorce.
So how do you resolve fights in a relationship?
Here are some ways you can stop it before it gets worse.
Limiting the time of the conflict:
usually, in conflict situations we experience feelings of frustration, nods and anger.
The heart rate and blood pressure rise, and we tend to behave in an unbalanced and irrational way.
We mostly say (or rather slap) our partner things that we don't really mean, for example insults, humiliations and various accusations.
These behaviors not only do not help resolve the conflict, they usually exacerbate it.
Therefore, it is recommended to limit the time of the quarrel, for example to determine that a quarrel must end after 12-15 minutes.
After all, while after that, the anger and emotions will only increase and increase, our ability to listen will disappear, and above all we will repeat over and over things that have already been said, without the other party listening to us.
Decide "how you look" during the conflict:
do not use offensive, belittling, mocking and humiliating words - and of course do not use threats of separation and divorce.
Dana, for example, said about this: "I don't always remember what we fought about, but I mostly remember the experience of insult and humiliation that I felt in the exchange between us."
"Breaking a situation":
when the conversation starts to get heated, instead of looking for something to answer - first of all you will find a way to break the situation.
Try to cut contact from the quarrel without hurting the other side.
Tip:
Mention that the argument is heating up, things are repeating themselves and to stop for a few minutes, suggest a time out, ask to go think about things or any other idea that will stop the heated argument, even if for a certain period of time.
It is important to relax during the fight, photo: Getty Images
Timeout:
Take a break to process the pain and anger.
Go for a run or a walk, watch TV, do relaxation activities and initiate an activity that relaxes you.
Remember that during the time-out, try not to think about what was said during the fight and how to answer, but think about the solution and "advance alternative thoughts".
Once you've cleared your head, you can usually go back and approach the conflict with a positive attitude and from a more productive perspective.
Care must be taken that the timeout will not be used as an excuse to let go of the disputes and leave them unresolved.
After the desired timeout, if you have regained your composure and calmness has returned to lead your way of thinking, it is highly advisable to return to talking about the subject in dispute.
Face to face:
in the digital age, a large part of the communication with the environment and with our loved ones is done by text messages or, at best, by voice or telephone messages.
Unlike normal and everyday relays, for whom text messages or a phone call are indeed more effective, when we are angry the dispute must be resolved face to face.
The tip
:
you don't solve fights in a relationship with text messages.
As soon as an argument starts with messages or a phone conversation, it should be stopped immediately and continued face to face, where the body language will be clear and it is easier to pick up the tone of things.
Active listening:
during a conflict, we usually defend or attack the other side, and mostly we don't listen.
Practice active listening and be open to what your partner has to say to you, and above all let the other party express their pain and frustration, and finish their words.
Sometimes, empathetic sentences can soften the conflict, and of course also an apology, which if possible can bring the quarrel to an end.
Remember why you decided to be a couple:
the honeymoon of any couple relationship fades after a while, but that still doesn't mean your relationship isn't good, and certainly not that it's over.
Many people continue to have good and loving relationships, and as the years pass, they strengthen their friendship and deepen their commitment to each other.
The tip: remember why you decided to be together, and what are the things you like about your partner.
If you've tried all these techniques and tips for a while, and you still haven't felt any improvement - you'll probably have trouble continuing to deal with the fights and difficulties on your own.
In this case, the answer is couples counseling and therapy.
Remember that the sooner you seek treatment, the greater the chance of a positive change.
Successfully.
Dr. Ronit Sharon is a lecturer at the Hebrew University. She directs a relationship institute for couple and individual therapy with branches nationwide.
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