Pride, remorse, resentment… Apologizing can be a delicate and even unpleasant art.
However, the exercise is necessary, if only to stem the beginnings of a perilous conflict.
In practice, the form of this honorable amends varies according to the situation, wishes to specify from the outset Dominique Picard, psychosociologist and specialist in social relations (1).
"We don't apologize in the same way if we stepped on someone's foot when leaving the metro, if we seriously offended them, or even if we anticipate a problem that is going to happen, such as sneaking into a row at the cinema,” she says.
Here are some solid tips to help mea culpa
sufferers
to properly ask for forgiveness and above all to make sure to send the right message.
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Choose the right time
Timing is crucial.
Not too late... not too early.
“If we are still in full explosion of the dispute, and overwhelmed by emotions, it is not yet the moment”, observes Dominique Picard.
Rather than launching an excuse in the middle of a conflict, the psychosociologist favors appeasement.
“The ideal is to postpone the dialogue until later, when we will be calmer, more involved in the discussion and above all more ready to hear the other”, she advises.
Here, the interest of this distancing is not only destined to let the emotions fall, but also to make it possible to discern and analyze the root of the problem behind the dispute.
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Restoring the imbalance through dialogue
For Dominique Picard, we are often mistaken about the objective of an apology, considered most of the time as a way of assuming 100% of the harm caused.
In reality, asking for forgiveness is above all a way to resume the discussion and start again on a good basis.
“You have to imagine the situation as a scale: when an attack is made, the person who receives it feels belittled.
By apologizing, it allows you to reposition yourself at the same level as the other and to return to balance, ”sums up the psychosociologist.
Prioritize sincerity
There is no good excuse without proof of sincerity.
If the offender must become aware of the harm caused by his behavior, it is also his duty to also convince the offended.
"You have to have a real intention of
mea culpa
, to be truly aware of it", underlines Nadine Sciacca, coach, and mediator in business (2).
Sometimes, despite all our good will, it can happen that we sincerely do not understand that our actions could have offended the person in front of us.
In this situation, it is useless to lie and strive to make amends without conviction.
On the contrary, “you have to show your concern, and dig to find the problem by talking.
For example, we can question the other in the following way: “if I went too far, I'm sorry and I would like to understand what you felt”, suggests the psychosociologist Dominique Picard.
As long as frankness is respected on both sides, the respective points of view can be expressed more easily.
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Leave aside the formal and the solemn
Sometimes the formal and almost ceremonious nature of apologies sometimes seems unnatural.
However, as Dominique Picard reminds us, "if the excuse appears to be something purely formal, like an expeditious 'yes, excuse me, sorry', it will not have the desired effect".
The formula alone is worthless, confirms coach Nadine Sciacca.
According to the mediation specialist, it is preferable to express one's point of view freely and naturally rather than trying to fit in a ready-made, shallow and unconvincing formulation.
The same goes for the outcome of the conflict.
“The excuse must necessarily be accepted to be successful, but not necessarily in a solemn way”, nuances the psychosociologist Dominique Picard.
And to add: "If the excuse is not accepted, it is a bit as if one of the two remained prostrate on his knees, and that the other did not help him to get up."
And in the case where one grants his forgiveness, a simple answer is more than enough.
To help us, Dominique Picard proposes the following formulation: ““It makes me very happy that you recognize it, and on my side I am not an angel either”.
Clearly, the more natural the posture adopted, the more fluid the exchanges will be, thus erasing misplaced pride.
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Commit to never doing it again
An apology isn't really complete without some form of commitment to the future.
According to coach Nadine Sciacca, this posture requires reassuring the offended person, always with credible arguments, that our behavior will not happen again.
“If we ignore it, the other will not be reassured or entirely satisfied with our apologies,” notes the specialist.
For her, the simplest and most effective way is to express what we have understood and what we will implement so that it does not happen again.
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Share the wrongs
If you believe that the other person also has his share of responsibility in the conflict, it is important to let him know.
Apologizing does not mean that the other is necessarily innocent, points out the psychosociologist Dominique Picard.
On the contrary, "it's more of a way to present a model of authenticity to another," adds the specialist.
Clearly, if we are ready to acknowledge our faults, to explain our point of view, we expect the other to follow the same approach.
To avoid blaming each other like a ping-pong ball and to tactfully explain to the other how their behavior has also caused us problems, coach Nadine Sciacca recommends the use of non-violent communication.
“This method makes it possible to highlight facts by expressing needs rather than reproaches or judgments,” she explains.
In practice, it's like saying 'when you do this, this is how I feel, how it impacts me, and this is what I would need instead'”.
(1) Politeness, good manners and social relations,
by Dominique Picard, published by PUF editions, 128 pages, €9.
(2) How to make our emotions our best allies,
by Nadine Sciacca and Marie-Agnès Martin, published by Marabout, 192 pages, €15.90.
