For some, admitting guilt and admitting wrongdoing is a real ordeal. For others, asking for forgiveness is a reflex. After a delay of three minutes, before giving his opinion, to emphasize his refusal to make the interlocutor uncomfortable... The slightest pretext seems appropriate for an "abusive excuser". What does this habit mean? When is it harmful? A psychologist analyzes this tendency to permanent excuse and gives the keys to (re)learn to apologize wisely.
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Social anxiety
For Line Mourey, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, one of the main causes of this excessive tendency to apologize is social anxiety. This extreme fear of judgment and rejection leads us to avoid any situation in which we might be perceived negatively by others. "Apologies make it possible to cancel the occurrence of a conflict or disagreement at the source," she says. These people prefer to take responsibility for any wrong rather than face external disapproval.
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Low self-esteem
The abusive excuser often has little esteem for himself. Having the constant feeling of being inferior, of being imperfect, he then feels the need to apologize to compensate for this difference compared to others. "Low self-esteem makes it seem like we don't deserve to be there as much as anyone else. We will then tend to apologize for breathing, moving... to exist, in short," explains the psychologist.
Low self-esteem makes us feel like we don't deserve to be there as much as anyone else.
Line Mourey, psychologist
This feeling of inadequacy may differ depending on the areas in which we operate. "We actually have several self-esteems. For example, some may find themselves quite deserving at work, but have a very bad image of themselves in their interpersonal relationships, nuances Line Mourey. They will then have no trouble imposing themselves in the professional context, but will struggle to take their place and assert themselves in their relationships. "
Environment and education
In addition to each person's character traits and personalities, the rules and norms of the society in which we develop can rub off excessively on our interactions. The psychologist reminds us: we learned during our childhood to get into the habit of saying sorry to conform to polite conventions. "We have associated a rewarding image with the excuse and when in doubt, we rely on these social conventions to know how to act," she says. Conversely, the importance of knowing how to say no, verbalizing one's own needs and the ability to put one's well-being first are all principles often omitted by social protocols.
A vicious circle
The abusive excuser expects validation from others, but this need rarely occurs. "The more we apologize, the more we lose confidence in ourselves because we convince ourselves that we made a mistake every time," says Line Mourey. For our interlocutor, overly made apologies will lose their value and will even end up annoying.
The more we apologize, the more we lose confidence in ourselves because we convince ourselves that we made a mistake every time.
Line Mourey, psychologist
It must be said that by apologizing, we are actually adopting a position of submission. We give a lot of power to the other: "he can choose to accept or refuse our apologies and he can free us from our feelings of guilt or on the contrary, condemn us, says the psychologist. The impression of tyrannical superiority given to the other can be unpleasant and feed poor relationships that even end up tiring. "
Assert oneself to better reign
To finally know how to set your limits and sharpen your capacity for discernment, Line Mourey recommends working on assertiveness in two steps. It first invites a cognitive work consisting in rethinking one's relational beliefs. "We often tend to amplify the consequences our actions could have. Instead, we should rationalize our thoughts to understand that we absolutely do not need to apologize at every opportunity," suggests the psychologist. The second step is to identify the benefits of assertiveness. "We need to realize how beneficial it can be to make a difference in a relationship. This allows for a richer exchange in which both parties will have to gain," concludes Line Mourey.