Within a couple, conflicts are inevitable.
If they are an opportunity to communicate healthily about our needs and expectations in the relationship, they can also turn into more stormy settling of scores, and harm us.
Criticisms come forth, go beyond our thoughts, and often move away from the original subject of disagreement.
It is precisely at this tipping point that we must be attentive, indicates therapist Rachel Diamond.
In an article written by her and published on January 21 on the
Psychology Today
website , the specialist calls for vigilance in the face of “escalating negativity” during an argument and shares her method for calming it down.
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Identify the increase in conflict intensity
“One of the key elements of a healthy relationship is the way conflict unfolds, not the absence of arguments,” emphasizes the therapist in her text.
As such, it will be appropriate to “recognize the moment when the conversation is no longer productive due to emotional overflow”.
A few “interior” signs are unmistakable.
Physically first: our heart rate accelerates, our muscles are tense, our body temperature is high.
Emotionally then: we feel overwhelmed and our ideas are not clear, we are about to say things that we might regret, we do not understand what our partner is trying to tell us, we want to escape the conflict and we struggling to calm down.
Timeout
“Each partner needs to make sure they are physically, emotionally, and psychologically able to engage in a difficult conversation,” warns Rachel Diamond.
If this is not the case, the specialist invites the establishment of an “intentional time out”.
To do this, we must communicate our personal need to take a break from the discussion, without accusing the other.
We will therefore prefer the pronoun “I” to the use of “you”, specifies the therapist.
For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed and have trouble thinking straight.
This is a sensitive topic and I want to make sure I use the right words.
I would like to take a break to calm down.”
Since the idea is not to escape the ongoing conflict, it is a good idea to immediately suggest another time - with a specific time - to discuss it again.
“It demonstrates our commitment to each other and to this conversation,” says Rachel Diamond.
Both partners will be able to take advantage of the break time to step back and recharge their batteries.
Reading, listening to music, getting some fresh air... whatever the activity, as long as it brings everyone a return to calm.
Be careful, “partners must not ruminate on the argument or think about their spouse, nor use the time spent apart to plan their defense,” she specifies.
And if at the end of this break, one of the partners still does not feel in the optimal conditions to discuss, they are free to suggest a new time-out.