Celine and Bob were cooing.
Three months ago, the young couple in their thirties was enjoying their intrepid project: getting married!
“But there, we are no longer very sure”, confides Bob in consultation.
“I cried about it all night,” adds Céline.
They suddenly feel like two kids forced to please their families.
"The worst thing is that now they harass us," adds Céline.
So, committing to two, really?
"It would be a good idea to think together about how you want to continue your story," suggested couples therapist Caroline Kruse.
This marriage counselor, who has been working in Paris for thirty years, has just reported in a tasty book,
Le Savoir-Vivre amour
(Éditions Le Rocher Poche), all that she has collected from scenes of married life that have developed inside her office.
The goal?
Questioning the couple in a very broad horizon to finally help each to grasp what "feeds love, by freeing themselves from preconceived ideas and models".
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The couple, a notion out of time
And the first novelty perhaps resides in the fact that today, men and women come into his practice younger and younger, between 20 and 30 years old, often shortly before the scheduled wedding date, as though seized with a panic: are we going to know how to last?
Or, in other words: is it worth embarking on this marriage, at a time when so often… it doesn't last?
For this generation of aspirants to conjugality, who wisely cross the stages (the first sofa, the first apartment, the first child), it is now a question of navigating in full paradox.
“Many young people in their thirties, accustomed to a society where everything is accelerating – we change jobs, partners more quickly, we communicate more quickly … – respond to this dizzying speed gain with a fantasy of duration”, reacts the philosopher Marie-Robert.
"These young people do not want to reproduce their parents' divorces, their arguments or their excuses -" We stayed together for the children ", for example -, explains Caroline Kruse.
These thirty-somethings want their union to remain alive.
They are not necessarily in crisis, but they want to be reassured before starting.
A couple that lasts is part of this qualitative timeMarie Robert
Along the way, has it finally become extravagant to believe in lasting happiness together?
In France, INSEE carries out the count every year.
Thus, the Institute recalls that in 2016-2017 there were 228,000 marriages recorded for 128,000 pronounced divorces, half of the marriages therefore ending in divorce.
This trend has, notes Caroline Kruse, probably been accentuated with the fact that divorce by mutual consent has eased in 2017, the passage before a judge no longer becoming necessary.
The acquired freedom of choice, the plurality of models and possible alliances, "this is what, paradoxically, contributed to making the couple as fragile as overinvested", continues the therapist.
And the image of Épinal, which still flirts with the idealization of the couple that lasts, is torn on the wave of statistics:
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On video, is pair-care the couple's new secret to longevity?
A matter of algorithms?
How to resist the hurricane of children, the intermittences of desire and the algorithms of Tinder that titillate the libido?
Does longevity as a duo still make sense in the era of planned obsolescence?
This lifelong obsession with the couple is such that since 1986, the very serious Love Lab (“the love lab”) of the Gottman Institute of the University of Washington, in Seattle, has submitted more than 3000 couples to his observations, like lab rats, to understand the secret of longevity.
"Thanks to groundbreaking mathematical models, we can confidently predict the trajectory of a relationship," says the Love Lab.
More importantly, we can now offer data-driven suggestions to adjust the couple's life trajectory."
Like what love is also a matter of algorithms.
In her exciting
Philosophy is Sexy podcast,
Marie Robert analyzes the notions that nourish - or rot - life together: “love”, the most unreasonable of obsessions;
“the dispute”, because of a GPS error or a washing machine;
“the encounter”, drowned in routine… And the duration, we ask him: what is a couple that lasts?
“It has nothing to do with years.
Bergson tells us that there are two times: the time of watches, objective - one more year is one more year - and duration, the subjective time that belongs to the individual, underlines Marie Robert.
If you have a great vacation, you feel like it lasted two days, if you get bored in a meeting, you find it endless.
A couple that lasts comes from this qualitative time.
Rather than obsessing over counting the years,
why not ask ourselves about what binds us to the other: does he/she still intrigue us, do we still admire him/her?
Do we still want to be together?
Practical advice
First viaticum of Caroline Kruse's manual: the perfect model does not exist!
“How many have I received who said to me: “Nothing is right between us. In the eyes of our loved ones, we are the ideal couple. If we separate, it will be a cataclysm almost more for them than for us! "" It is not easy to give up idealization, adds the therapist: "Even if it constitutes the worst of traps, since, by definition, setting an ideal amounts to exhausting yourself from never being able to reach it."
Observing the couples, she assures him: “At the beginning of a story, it's wonderful, we find everything in the other, who finds everything in us.
The narcissistic benefit is mutual.
But, one day, the princess becomes a frog again and the prince, a toad.
For a relationship to be built lastingly, you have to get out of the romantic illusion.
In video, the 10 secrets of couples that last
In thirty years of consultation, has the therapist finally identified some of the secrets of couples that last?
As we suspected, his treatise on the
Savoir-Vivre in love
is not a recipe book, but a path opened on the respect of the partner in his otherness.
Crossing two unique stories, each couple is necessarily different.
Nevertheless, a constant invites itself: “Already, it is advisable to avoid putting pressure on oneself by repeating oneself: my relationship must last!
This shows a lack of trust in others.
Second pitfall, taking it for granted.
To last is to readjust together, like the Argo ship, all the parts of which change as the voyage progresses.
And also not to be bored together: love is worked on, to each his own ritual.
Third difficulty, say everything!
A one-night stand, no need to talk about it.
Infidelity is a poison, it is not worth poisoning the bond.
But if it reveals a deep malaise, it is better to discuss it,”
We must seize the tipping point that will take us furtherCaroline Kruse
However, this is often where the shoe pinches.
In the practitioner's office, as with most of her colleagues, in therapy, one out of two couples complains: "We don't talk to each other anymore!"
How to get out?
In the eyes of the psychiatrist Jean-Paul Mialet, who devoted a book to it,
Love in the test of time
(Éditions Albin Michel), today we demand too much of the couple, in priority that they exalt us.
“While it's a difficult common work that requires being inventive, attentive to others.
To marvel always, it works.
One of my patients gave me his secret, the 3 Cs rule: concessions, concessions, concessions!”, shares the doctor.
“You should not be afraid of crises or bend your back when they happen, or clench your teeth or your fists, advocates Caroline Kruse.
But rather swim with the wave.
And seize the tipping point that will take us further.”
1. Letting go
Marianne, 46, French teacher, and Francisco, 42, architect, married for 15 years, living in Colombia, 1 child.
Their first wedding anniversary was to be a romantic weekend in Deauville, it was a disaster: "We argued non-stop," says Marianne.
On the beach, it was sure: “We are going to divorce!”
Fourteen years later, her husband is the man she loves "most in the world".
Francisco and Marianne come from “two different planets”: he is Colombian, she is Parisian.
This otherness that attracted them from the moment they met also earned them many disputes.
In the dinners where it debates, they do not agree on anything.
In their life, she turns on herself, he doesn't understand.
Therapy with a “formidable” shrink helped them strengthen their bond: “I understood that Francisco was not against me and that I was not going to change him.”
Their secret?
Let go.
Once a week, the couple opens a good bottle, discusses, has fun.
Francisco, reputed rather "bear", still surprises her with a "you're very pretty" when she least expects it, disheveled, in pajamas.
Their very physical relationship at the beginning was tempered: “We say to ourselves that it is normal and that there is no danger in the house.”
2. Find your "playing partner"
Louise, 47, and Gabriel, 48, screenwriters, in a relationship for 22 years, settled in Paris, 2 children.
The apartment, the baby, the dog… Louise and Gabriel (1) never fantasized about a pre-planned course.
“Otherwise, we would get bored quickly, notes Louise.
My secret is that I have found my playmate."
The routine of homework and errands has found a powerful antidote to keep the flame going: fiction.
The duo, who met during their studies, collaborate on scenarios, invent universes.
“We try to make each other laugh and, if we are bored, to recognize it”, continues Louise, who receives this SMS from Gabriel at the same time: “I thought of a scene, I have to tell you about it!”
This “communion” does not make them a fusional couple.
Everyone values their independence and carries out their own projects.
When Gabriel leaves for editing, Louise takes care of the family logistics.
She's used to it
because she lives with a dishwasher phobic.
“As I quite like being in control, this distribution of roles suits me.
The couple is like medicine, you measure the benefit/risk ratio.
Sometimes we argue very loudly, but humor helps us defuse that.
Gabriel finds a joke and we move on."
(1) Names have been changed
3. “You don't have to share everything”
Élise, yoga teacher, and Christian, retired engineer, 74 years old, married for 53 years, living in Hérault, 2 children.
Their “love at first sight” took place at the maternity ward: Élise and Christian were born six days apart in the same service at the Hôtel-Dieu in Lyon.
“My husband always told me that he spotted me from the cradle!” laughs Élise.
Their real meeting took place at the age of 16 in a youth club.
Married at 21, the couple has always sought to get out of the box.
They had their punk period, traveled to Togo or South America leaving their daughters behind.
She describes herself as mystical and introverted;
he, Cartesian and hypersocial.
Two personalities that complement each other without being confused.
At home, everyone has their own space, everyone has their own bathroom.
"You don't have to share everything," she says.
Nor try to shape the other.
Which wasn't always easy when Christian was hanging out in a tracksuit,
as he left dressed to the nines for work!”
To thwart small exasperating faults, these guerrillas of love have parades: buy flowers or cook their favorite dishes for the other, “show your tenderness with small gestures”, summarizes Christian.
Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren.
Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes.
Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it.
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
“To thwart small exasperating faults, these guerrillas of love have parades: buy flowers or cook for the other his favorite dishes, “show his tenderness by small gestures”, summarizes Christian.
Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren.
Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes.
Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it.
There was a breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
“To thwart the little exasperating faults, these guerrillas of love have parades: buy flowers or cook for the other his favorite dishes, “show his tenderness by small gestures”, summarizes Christian.
Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren.
Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes.
Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it.
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
"Showing your tenderness with small gestures", sums up Christian.
Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren.
Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes.
Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it.
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
"Showing your tenderness with small gestures", sums up Christian.
Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren.
Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes.
Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it.
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
There was breach of contract.
She told Christian: “It was make or break.”
The fear of losing the other brought them together: “Overcoming this obstacle was a new start.
This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about.
At 74, we are still holding hands in the street!”
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