What do you say to a religious boy or girl who discovers that they are attracted to members of their own sex?
Is it necessary to take care of them, educate them, rehabilitate them, or contain them and accept them?
Isn't the religious-Orthodox struggle in "Progress" taking place these days, among other things, on the backs of the LGBTQ, national-religious or ultra-Orthodox youth, who also feel confused and powerless?
Religious boys begin to study the Pentateuch at the age of 3, where the verse appears: "And you shall not lie down with a male, because he is an abominable woman."
And what will a boy from Bnei Akiva do who sees his friends chasing after the most beautiful girls in the tribe, but discovers that it is his schoolmate who gives him butterflies in the stomach?
He sits in classes, hearing some of his teachers and educators call those who are attracted to members of their own sex confused or poor, and state that their very existence is a sin.
The pressure he is under is unbearable and may end in disaster: in a report by the National Suicide Prevention Program it was revealed that 78% of religious youth who define themselves as LGBT admitted that in the past year they thought about suicide - compared to 35% of LGBT youth in the secular public.
From the right, Avishi Mizrahi, Tami Samet and Zahava Tamir.
"The need was real, and it was clear to us that we were doing good", Photo: Yehoshua Yosef
Into this charged and complex situation came the "Beer Amona" institute of the "Amona" movement, which founded the "Educational Dealing with Boys/Girls Who Are Attracted to the Same Sex" training.
This is the first training of its kind that was accompanied by complex birth ropes.
When she set out two years ago - she was caught in the crossfire.
"Tired of the preaching of free love," Rabbi Dror Aryeh, a member of the Noam party and who previously headed it, wrote about the program.
"Postmodern pluralism is out of the bag... This is not religious Zionism, it is a modern flood," he exclaimed.
But then, after Be'er Amunah finished training the fourth cohort, the thing that no one expected happened - the exit of the journalist Yair Sharki, in the same post that broke the network.
Following this, the phone of Rabbi Avishi Mizrahi, a doctoral student in the gender studies program who studies the rabbinic approach to the conflict between homosexuality and Halacha, almost collapsed from the load of inquiries.
"Sharki's story is a mega-event in the religious world," says Mizrahi.
"He is an earthquake, also because Sharki is a very Torah figure. In the sayings, in the discourse, he also has a book about the Baal Shem Tov. He is the son of a rabbi who holds very conservative views on this subject. And suddenly he puts out a post like this and says: 'I don't give up on God The head of an educational institution called me and said: 'I would prefer him to take off his cap and not say that he loves both boys and God.
It undermines my religious educational world, because it suddenly presents a different model.
He says: 'There is a possibility here'.
And he is not the only educational figure who told me these things.
Quite a few rabbis and educators called me with similar questions."
A mega event in the religious world.
Sharkey, photo: Oren Ben Hakon
to learn what is forbidden
"I have met teenagers who are attracted to people of the same sex, and it was clear to me that if they had an educator or an older person as a proper address, a lot of suffering would have been saved. I am sure that educators who have gone through our training are an anchor and a good address for their students," says Tami Smet, a psychologist by profession and who heads an institute "Well of Faith".
How were the reactions to your activity in religious Zionism?
"I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. The real need was crying out, and it's clear that what we're doing is good. I didn't imagine the strength of the resistance it would create. The nature of the reactions and behavior are very difficult for me. On the other hand, it only reinforces the understanding of how important our special voice is. This is A voice that does not argue, that brings the different opinions and diverse experiences and gives the educator the ability to be there for the student in real time. Although we have taken it to heart, we are careful to continue what we are doing with the belief that it is the right way, and not to let objections stop us. We are not people of war. We are happy To speak and give space in training to all the variety of positions and voices in the Torah discourse."
Are boys in more critical distress than adults?
"The difference between boys and adults is not in the size of the distress, but in the fact that they are usually not yet fully formed, are in a very big storm that blends into puberty where the tendency to extreme acts is great. The best response is committed to the boy's personal and mental well-being. There is no agenda in it One way or the other. Every boy and girl in the process of personal inquiry deserves a place where they will feel the possibility to bring themselves without fear and without judgment, and from there make their way safely."
What guides your activity?
"We are Orthodox people, keep the Torah and mitzvot, strive to worship God and adhere to His ways. No one has the ability to permit what is forbidden. But what is forbidden - you have to learn, it is not self-evident. We bring a range of positions, all of which are Orthodox Torah. We do not deviate from the Torah line and give a platform to all the Torah, therapeutic and educational voices that are heard on this issue. We must not create a situation where we throw the LGBTQ youth out of the religious world.
Even if he realizes his sexual orientation, it does not allow him to enter Shabbat.
So I'll push him out, God forbid?"
Rabbi Avishi Mizrahi, who leads the training program at the institute, paints a similar picture.
"I come from the field of education, a graduate of the Seder yeshiva, headmaster of a high school yeshiva in Petah Tikva, eight years director of a middle school in Netanya.
Throughout the years, I have met hundreds of students closely, and from among them, usually at the end of high school, quite a few students who are attracted to their own gender approach and consult.
They turn in deep pain and with a feeling of no way out: 'Rabbi, what do you want us to do?
We've tried everything - psychiatrist, psychologists, conversion therapies - with the goal of eradicating the tendency, prayers, fasting, and it just doesn't work.
what do you want us to do?'.
"They feel that the world is closing in on them. These are my students, who grew up in culture and religious education, and were not influenced by any external factor. They are here in front of me, in pain and tormented. How can one ignore or turn a blind eye? In every story that I have met, that I have heard, there has not been a case, not even one, That the suicide gun was not on the table - in thought, speech or deed. Those who do not know closely, do not know how much suffering is involved. The story is not only the sexual issue, but the romantic one. The desire for connection, love, family. And when this is closed to the religious youth hermetically and there is no Ofek, they are consumed by it. A 19-year-old boy told me: 'Even when I was 14, I had the feeling that I was attracted to the same sex. I felt deviant, I felt sinful. If only someone had told me that the tendency is not a sin, how much suffering would have been avoided for me. The rabbis are very troubled by suicide And the suffering, and the spiritual world also bothers them, because many of the LGBT youth leave the religious world.
The rabbis say: Wait, this is a package deal.
They also desecrate Shabbat at the end, eating at Kippur.
And how is the Torah perceived outside?
Is this Torah and this is her salary?
And on the other hand - there are rabbis who say that there are progressive movements, and there is a culture war, and it exists in the United States and it permeates us."
Rabbi Aharleh Harel.
"Halacha is not plasticine", photo: Maria Troyanker
Is the halachic ruling affected by the external wars on the subject?
"There is no doubt. There are rabbis who say: if I show empathy - I normalize, I give space to progressive movements. The world blurs its identities. That is why there are those who wage war on the issue even at the expense of the details. But it is important to remember that the child in my class does not carry the flag of pride , he is not part of a progressive movement, he is a child. He does not know his soul. And what preoccupies his educators is a culture war on his poor bent back. He feels that this is his identity, this is who he is. When he hears the rabbi say: 'They are deviant, because of them there is Earthquakes', he does not know his soul from sorrow.
"And when you comment to those rabbis, 'How do you talk like that? They are sitting in your class!', they reply: 'I mean the phenomenon, not him.' , which is their identity, and it hurts them that they are treated this way. I am convinced that if it wasn't a culture war - the halachic discourse would look different."
For Mizrahi it is important to emphasize that the ultimate goal is to first of all put the issue on the table, because denial and silence are dangerous and produce disturbing side effects.
"A youth guide in one of the localities in Gush Etzion told me that a religious boy, who was attracted to his own kind, shared with him that he arranged a meeting through a dedicated app with someone at a gas station near the locality. When he arrived at the place, he met a Palestinian from a neighboring village. It could have ended in kidnapping and war, the risk is crazy. How Does such a thing happen? Because no one speaks, and then there is no hierarchy in the level of halachic prohibition, there is no pyramid. There is no reference to what is forbidden by law and what is disputed. But even a teenager who decides to exercise his sexuality should know about safe sexuality. Let him know that exploitation exists. As soon as he Crossing the fence, he is exposed to dangers."
What dangers?
"They are sexually exploited much more than their friends. One of the main reasons is the concealment. Someone is trading in the fact that those children are hiding a big secret. A 16-year-old boy chatted with someone online and arranged to meet him. When he arrived at the scene, he met a 40-year-old man, who threatened him that if he did not flow and do as he pleases - he will reveal his secret in public. When someone lives a life of concealment, who understands that everything is forbidden and wrong - he may go all out. How will he tell his parents that he is being sexually exploited? He must first tell them that he is gay. He is alone with this, there is no Who to turn to. And on the other side, unfortunately, there are those who know how to take advantage of it."
What are your training principles?
"We have two red lines: we don't want the students to hurt themselves, and we do everything so that the boys stay in the religious world. In the midst of all this, we don't want to educate the educators, but to bring them together with all the forms of coping that the religious world has to offer."
Is there a halachic answer?
"It may be that there are no more halachic answers that make sense, but as educators we have a responsibility for wounded souls. A medic in the field cannot abandon the bleeding wounded just because the cabinet has not yet decided the fate of the war."
Do you encounter objections from parents? Rabbinic factors?
"There are rabbinic voices who were angry and boycotted and fought. Their war was not the very idea that such training was needed, but because they wanted only their voice and their agenda to be heard in it, and we opposed that. Hamad (state-religious education) is more colorful and diverse , and it has different rabbinical voices.
After four cycles of training, I am convinced that this spiritual wealth was only a blessing."
Father's and mother's love.
A parade in favor of family values in Haifa, photo: Flash 90
A feeling of being stabbed every day with a knife
Oren (pseudonym) is an 18-year-old religious-nationalist boy who studies in a conservative yeshiva, and hides from society and the yeshiva the fact that he is gay because of his fear of the cost of exposure.
"The feeling of being of a different disposition in a conservative yeshiva is to feel that day after day I am being stabbed with a knife. I am bleeding from the talk I hear around me against LGBT people.
The struggle is daily.
Every time I look at the staff members I am reminded of how wrong I am supposedly - a rabbi who comes to us and says that this is not a healthy thing, that this is a mental illness, that it comes from self-hatred.
There were boys who pushed them into conversion treatments, which are not really helpful."
Did you share someone?
"I don't share with any of the staff or friends, except for my family and one close friend who knows. If they claim that what people like me need is conversion therapy, I understand that they will only hurt me even more. I refer my rabbis to Chomash and Leviticus, where it is explicitly written that the very tendency There is no prohibition, nor on all types of contact. It is also possible to live in a platonic relationship with a man."
Do you think it is possible to have a relationship and still be committed to Halacha?
"It is written: 'What a hero conquers his nature.' , in a private conversation - you have to make it clear in every possible way that everything is fine.
There is no way to change sexual orientation, and any orientation is acceptable.
The only way to deal with this is with support."
They claim that there are treatments that help LGBT people get out of it.
"I know this statement, and it has no research proof of effectiveness. This is not a price I am willing to pay. If there was a study that would prove 100 percent that it can be treated, and that it does not harm people, maybe I would do it to give up all the pain and suffering I have experienced all my life because of it ".
Are you planning to come out to the team?
"I'm afraid of the reactions. There are topics that are taboo and arouse a lot of emotions in other people. It will arouse a lot of antipathy towards me. It's not something I'm interested in at my age. Maybe one day I'll find my place in the world, and feel safer to be exposed. I'm afraid of losing my place in the community. Maybe they won't let me go to Torah because of homophobia."
Do not close your eyes
They educate in yeshiva, some of them very conservative, and meet hundreds of students, some of whom shared with them the secret of their lives.
They decided to participate in the "Well of Faith" training in order to understand what is going through the young boy who comes to them in tears, and what they can offer him.
One of them is Rabbi Dr. Ronan Ben David, 56 years old, father of six and grandfather of three. He lives in Gush Etzion, head of the "Neva Hana" studio, head of education at the Rotenberg Institute for Jewish Psychology and teaches at the "Afrata" College.
"We need to look reality in the eye. We meet more and more girls and boys who are attracted to members of their own sex, and we need to provide an answer. Complexity is not a problematic word, but rather a description of reality. There is a direction and a vision, and there is a reality in which we must have a dialogue. Whoever talks to those attracted to members of their own sex in the religious public in its various forms He will often show sorrow and pain on their part, and also a strong desire on their part to continue to be part of their broad religious community. The media discourse around these issues tends to extremes and conflict. Most of the discourse that actually takes place with educators, halachic teachers and rabbis, is much more complex."
What is the main concern of a guy who approaches you?
"I meet with girls and boys who are attracted to the same sex, and from what I understand their willingness to talk to me stems from the fact that they know they will not come across inclusive and problematic statements. I have met families in which a buffer is created in front of the daughter or son in the absence of dialogue. From the moment they are able to talk - even without agreeing - A better reality is already being created."
Are there prejudices?
"Some people think that this is a 'contagious disease.' We need to offer knowledge and listen to their questions. This will actually create healthier communities. Educational challenges should not be something that paralyzes, but rather promotes and makes it more precise. In my understanding, this is one of the insights arising from the assumption that in each and every one resides a unique divine image."
We spoke with one of Rabbi Ronan's students, a graduate of the instructor training, to understand how significant, even critical, was the help he was given.
"My name is D. I am a religious person who believes and observes mitzvot and above all loves Hashem, currently 24 years old. I have been dealing with my attraction to boys for quite a few years now. Several times in the past I turned to my rabbis and received learned answers that meant only one thing: this tendency is forbidden according to The Torah, then deal with it.
"I heard about Rabbi Ronen a year ago when he was older than the studio he runs, but I didn't know him personally, so I didn't contact him. A few weeks ago, I saw a photo on Facebook of educators who had completed the course at the Be'er Amunah institute, and I recognized him there, so I contacted him. I'm not exaggerating If I say that I really discovered the light. Rabbi Ronan sat with me for two long meetings, listened to me and explained patiently. I learned that there is a prohibition on actions, but not on tendencies. In general, I understood that the religious position does not disqualify me as a person. He directed me to read and also hear about Guys in my situation. Mostly I realized that I don't have to stop being religious, and also that there is a purpose to my life. I got a sense of hope."
A big emotional flood on the subject
Zehava Tamir, a facilitator and companion of educational teams on healthy sexuality and prevention of risky behaviors, is a mother of five who lives in Kedumim.
She says that in recent years one of the most complex and required topics in the field of healthy sexuality in staff training is the topic of sexual identity and girls and boys who are attracted to their own gender.
"There is a great emotional flood on the subject, starting with the basic concern and preparation for students, through the feeling that we lack tools in the field, and of course to the real pain and concern for the perpetuity of Torah Israel. The challenge is first of all to allow space for all these feelings, with the understanding that we have an important role in imparting values and there is We have a critical role in the minds of our students. The primary goal is to impart knowledge in the field, to understand in depth what goes through boys and girls who hear these voices and experience the sensations in their bodies, to understand the risky aspects, to discuss in depth the huge conflict between religious identity and homosexual identity, and with all this to ask the faculty We have tools that contain the deep concern for the individual together with the great faith in the Torah of Israel.
"It's not easy, the challenge is great, but also to erase a certain opinion and not allow voice and avoid listening to the different opinions and the different pains - this is also a dangerous movement that produces antagonism and entrenchment, and the ones who pay the price in the educational aspect are the students. We want to be a safe figure to consult with, to be An attentive character who is able to hold complexities with empathy and great love for the students. We seek to direct benevolent treatment - one that helps to get through the journey."
An address also in the ultra-orthodox sector
And if in the religious sector the issue is hotly debated, then in the ultra-orthodox sector it almost never comes up on the public table, similar to many issues concerning individual austerity.
Shlomo (pseudonym at his request) lives in the center, is married and has four children.
Belongs to the ultra-Orthodox sector, works in a yeshiva for boys from ultra-Orthodox homes.
He understood that precisely due to the complete absence of discourse on the subject he should be a benevolent address to his students.
Were you afraid to participate in the training?
"Definitely. I was afraid of both the environment and the content that would be delivered in the training. It is difficult to find a place in these subjects that is not motivated by an agenda. I was afraid that I would have to accept certain positions and that I would not have room for my thoughts and questions. That is why I came to the first meeting wrapped in armor and told myself that if it did not fit, I would not be ashamed to leave It quickly became clear to me that this training is accurate, fair and gives space. Some raised an eyebrow in my environment. The main criticism was around the point of engaging in it, which seemingly leads and causes more people to get 'confused'."
What did you hope to achieve?
"Also in ultra-orthodox society there are people who are attracted to people of their own sex. When I tried to talk about this to the students, I felt a huge difficulty in trying to mediate this point. The big challenge right now is to look reality in the eyes, even before finding solutions, even before marriage and such important matters. Just to present the issue This is a serious challenge. Some people fear the very act of dealing with the subject, because it is 'contagious'. From my impression of the subject, no teenager will enter into it if it is not burning in him. A whole world of difficulty awaits him, of endless struggle. If we ignore it - we will miss out An opportunity to save boys from big falls."
Bring the rainbow of rulings
In the training, they make sure to bring the whole spectrum of rabbinical and halachic rulings and opinions on the subject - from the most conservative position to the one on the liberal end, which also considers a marital relationship without having a relationship as a legitimate answer.
Rabbi Aharleh Harel, who participated as a lecturer in the training, the head of the "Moriya" yeshiva in Givat Hekorat and the head of the Beit Midrash community in Ofra, recently published a book called "Yishri Levav", which he wrote with Rabbi Jacob Ariel.
In the introduction, he refers to rabbis who allow such and such things in the LGBT issue, such as relationships without contact or certain contact, and calls those who issue lenient rulings on the issue "murderers".
Is it possible that the strict approach today is affected by the global culture war and does not refer to the special situation of the individual?
"I rebel against the question. The rabbinic ruling comes to benefit man and grant him his happiness by living the word of the Creator. It cannot be on the individual's back, because it is full of compassion and love. But the rabbinic ruling also knows that this world is a corridor, and the next world is the lounge and the destination, and sometimes reaching the destination involves heavy prices that must be paid here and now."
How far is the Halacha willing to go towards a boy who claims he is attracted to his own kind? Should he abstain for the rest of his life? Is a platonic relationship possible?
"The Halacha does not have to go towards anyone, because the Halacha represents an eternal divine way of life. It is not flexible plasticine, nor a plan as you wish. The Halacha has firm principles, which should be presented to every applicant, and he should find himself within them.
"The Halacha does not recognize a model of same-sex partnership of any legitimate kind, and this is a clear consensus that cannot be debated. Even the Beit Hillel rabbinic organization, considered the most liberal body in Orthodoxy, issued a position paper denying any thought of establishing a marital relationship between members of the same sex. In any case This option does not exist for a servant of God, like many other situations in which the Halacha does not allow a person to have a marital relationship, with all the searing pain involved."
Are you aware of the dangers of conversion therapy?
"Have you ever asked a senior cardiologist who has been operating for 20 years if he is aware of the dangers of the surgeries he performs? Apparently not. You know he is well aware of it. So I, as someone who has accompanied thousands of men and women attracted to the same sex for more than 20 years, is aware of the potential harm of treatment This is exactly what we are here for - to prevent a contestant from reaching an address that will not benefit him, from two angles: either she will not understand his religious world and his plight, and will push him towards effortless self-acceptance, which will fix him within his homosexual identity, something that will make it difficult for him very much his life as a religious person; or she will push him into irresponsible and dangerous treatment where fatal mistakes are made."
Would you recommend a gay man to marry a woman, believing that the therapy will help him overcome his attraction to men?
"There is absolutely no permission to take such a risk and make miserable a poor woman who was put into a futile relationship, which will often end in divorce or ugly betrayals. By no means, unequivocally. But if a man undergoes treatment that will make him experience flexibility in his sexual orientation, and now he is already attracted Women, on the recommendation of his therapist and after he has shared his situation with his partner, have room to discuss each case on its merits."
Do you understand the criticism against your view?
"Those who don't do it, don't receive criticism. I receive daily reinforcement from my teachers, from the thousands of applicants, from the couples who send me photos of their children who were just born after the man or the woman underwent treatment that allowed them to start a family, from the parents of the hundreds of applicants, and from the entire religious society of all kinds.
"I do not come to force my way of life and my beliefs on anyone, and it is fitting that the LGBT people should not try to impose their world view on us, the keepers of the Torah and mitzvot.
For example, the recent attempt to prohibit by law treatments for changing sexual orientation, which was stopped and cut off in Ibo, is an example of breaking the rules of the game and of a predatory Bolshevik dictatorship coming to force an adult person what to do with himself and his life.
This aggressiveness must stop, because it creates a backlash and so on along the way.
Let's sit down to talk, get to know each other, accommodate, but not agree and not give up, and everyone will live according to their own way and point of view."
The fight over the budget
The first training of the "Beer Amunah" institute was launched two years ago under the auspices of the state-religious education, with the Hamad logo on the syllabus and budgets. But following an appeal by rabbis, including Rabbi Dror Aryeh, head of the Baharah Foundation, the Hamad withdrew its sponsorship of the training.
"I praise the Hamad for choosing not to cooperate with a program whose leader does not hide his desperate opinion of correcting those with opposite tendencies," said Rabbi Aryeh.
Rabbi Dror Aryeh.
"No conversion treatments",
The "Bahira" Foundation was established after the passing of the law prohibiting conversion treatments, and offers free treatments to LGBTQ youth. Those who currently finance the trainings of the "Beer Amona" Institute are the global "Amona" movement and the payers themselves, who pay for the trainings.
"כשיצאנו לדרך לפני שנתיים עם רעיון ההשתלמות, אנשי המטה בחמ"ד היו שותפים מלאים לבניית התכנים והסילבוס", מספר הרב אבישי מזרחי. "בפרסום ההשתלמות אף התנוסס הלוגו של החמ"ד והובטח לנו שניהנה מתקצוב לכך. קיבלנו את ברכת הדרך וחיבוק גדול מהנהלת החמ"ד. אלא שאז כל מיני גורמים עלומי שם מחו על עצם קיום ההשתלמות, וראש מינהל החמ"ד החליטה בעקבות המחאה להסיר את הלוגו מפלייר ההשתלמות ולחסום את התקצוב המיועד. זו היתה סטירה מצלצלת. השקענו אינסוף אנרגיות ביצירת ההשתלמות הזו למען תלמידי החמ"ד ולמען נפשות רכות ומיוסרות המתהלכות בבתי החינוך שלנו. אמנם, למרות זאת ואף על פי כן ההשתלמות יצאה לדרך, בלי לוגו ובלי מימון של החמ"ד, אך עם תמיכה גדלה של תנועת 'אמונה' והמשתלמים הרבים, מחנכי החמ"ד, שהאמינו בדרך ושילמו מכיסם כדי לסייע במימון ההכשרה החשובה ומצילת החיים הזו".
פנינו לרב דרור אריה, וניסינו להבין מהו מקור ההתנגדות שלו להכשרות של "באר אמונה".
"אנחנו מאמינים בנצחיות התורה", אומר הרב, "מתוך כך תומכים גם בבני נוער יקרים המתמודדים עם קשיים סביב הנטייה המינית לחיות על פי התורה ואף להקים בתים נאמנים. לשם כך הקמנו את קרן "בחירה", המסייעת במימון טיפולים פסיכולוגיים ידידותיים. התורה לא תשתנה, האמפתיה וההזדהות עם הכאב אסור שיהפכו ללגיטימציה לתבניות חדשות המוטלות בספק ומושפעות מתרבות מערבית נוירוטית. הלגיטימציה אולי נוצצת יותר, אבל לא רק שאינה פתרון - היא רק מחריפה את הבעיה ומגבירה את סבלם של המתמודדים".
"אין גן שמגדיר הומוסקסואליות. אין איש מדע שיודע לקבוע בוודאות שאין פתרונות. אנו יודעים שבמדינות נאורות במערב שיעור האובדנות בקרב ההומוסקסואלים לא התמתן, ואף גרוע מכך. חבל שהפכו את האנשים הטובים האלה לקורבנות של ניסוי חברתי מסוכן, של איבוד זהות".
Is friendly psychotherapy conversion therapy?
"It's really not conversion therapy. You learn how to live alongside the tendency. There are brutal conversion surgeries for gender reassignment. It's legitimate, but a person who voluntarily seeks psychological help is immediately told that it's conversion therapy."
The Ministry of Education's response: "The state-religious education administration is directly responsible for training in these subjects, not private bodies. Therefore, this training was not budgeted by the Hamad.
In light of this, the Hamad asked to remove its logo from the syllabus."
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